Oscars 2015 - A Blunt Recap

I was going to write about the Oscars last night but I decided to just live tweet the winners and my opinions on them instead. Now it's time to give my thoughts on the event itself through the magic of play by play bullet points,

The full list of winners is on my twitter page @CrackedReel  - or just about anywhere online...

Here's a guide to what happened, what I liked and what I fucking hated.

Truly awful...

• I unfortunely had to endure those fucking pillocks from E! who were yammering on about dresses and how big of a twat Ryan Seacrest is.
• Alex Zane then had his time to shine on Sky, I don't really mind him, he looks like Shia LaBeouf now though... His guests are also tossers.
• Neil Patrick Harris was an absolutely shit host.
• He opened with a show stopping number that was just lame, he basically just spoke the lyrics rather than sing them .
• The only saving Grace for that whole song was the legendary Jack Black joining in to talk about how the industry is full of money hungry scumbags who don't care about quality, just quantity and cash.
• There's also a pretty major spoiler for Gone Girl... many in fact.
• The stage appears to be the set of Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens.
  
  
  
• NPH desperately churning out flat jokes again.
• The teleprompters were definitely fucked last night. Several people stuttering and messing up stuff... the worst is later though.
• J.K. Simmons deservedly bagged the Best Supporting Actor for Whiplash and delivered a fantastically humble and heartwarming speech, one of many in a surprisingly important and non-soppy night.
  
  
  
• NPH again making a tit of himself in such a "I'm so random lol" way.

• He then went on to give Octavia Spencer a job at watching a brief case full of his predictions of how the night would unfold... She blatantly didn't want to be part of the joke.
• That Maroon 5 twat came out and droned out a song from Begin Again - This was the ideal toilet break moment.
• The Grand Budapest Hotel snapped up Costume Design and Hair & Make-Up, but that was no brainer! Glad to see it win so many throughout the night.
• Chiwetel Ejiofor and a mannequin came out to introduce Best Foreign Language.
  
  
  
• Ida won, which from what I hear about the film, was well deserved. It should have been The Raid 2 though...
• Those deplorable cunts who play people off in the middle of speeches got taken down a peg when Pawel Pawlikowski, the director of Ida, kept on talking and completely won the crowd, they all started cheering as he didn't give in and be bullied off stage.
• Just want to highlight again that I hate the Orchestra when they do that bullshit.
• Tegan & Sarah, The Lonely Island, Will Arnett and Questlove all took to the stage to perform their highly enjoyable hit, Everything Is Awesome from The Lego Movie. The song is kinda annoying, but that performance was terrific.
• Lots of Lego astronauts ran into the crowd with Lego awards and handed them out to people, seemingly to most of those who were snubbed for big awards. I'd be happy with a Lego one to be honest.
  
  
• 
• Crisis Hotline: Veterans Press 1 wins the Best Short Documentary but more importantly the producer of the short, Dana Perry encourages people to speak about suicide out loud and dedicates the award to her son.
• NPH shits up again by making an ill timed joke after that speech, while Viola Davis introduces a highlight reel from The Governor's Awards.
• NPH tries to shift the shittiness of a joke onto David Oyelowo and fails miserably. One of the shows worst moments.
• That cock-shit Gywneth Paltrow introduces Tim McGraw who sings I'm Not Gonna Miss You from the fairly depressing looking documentary Glen Campbell: I'll Be Me.
• NPH very poorly tries to recreate one of the maddest and funniest scenes from Birdman where he's on a time limit and must be on stage ASAP, but is only in his underwear. The only good thing about it was that Miles Teller was in it playing the drums.
• The Sound related awards kicked in then with Interstellar winning none of them which is an outrage... but Whiplash did win one of them so that was brilliant.
• Patrica Arquette collected her award for Best Supporting Actress for Boyhood that she won the day the nominees were announced.
• She followed that up by another important speech about equal rights for women and enabled Meryl Streep to become a meme for life.
  
  

  

  This will be used for just about anything people agree with.

• Also it seems that Meryl Streep will be nominated no matter what the fuck she does. She could literally spend a whole film eating buckets of dog shit and still get nominated.
• That dick for brains, Rita Ora took to the stage to perform the song Grateful from the film Beyond The Lights. Her boyfriend looks like a shitty Joker wannabe who you'd see at a terrible birthday party.
• Interstellar FINALLY wins something; Visual Effects - There was no way it wasn't going to win that... Sadly it's the only one it did win, shoulda been up for more.
• Anna Kendrick and a small child introduce the Animated short. Disney naturally had that in the bag with Feast.
  
  

  

  Looks like he just got his 11th birthday wish

• Disney takes it again with Big Hero 6.
• The legendary Chris Pratt took to the stage to announce the obvious winner for Production Design, The Grand Budapest Hotel.
• Birdman wins for cinematography which was no surprise! It's truly exceptional. Nightcrawler should have been up though.
• It's at this point I realise that Gravity has seven Oscar's while Interstellar has only one... How BULLSHIT is that??
• Now for one of the most important bits, the memorial video for those in the industry who have died.
• Obviously Robin Williams was mentioned and Bob Hoskins thankfully got a mention too unlike at the fucking Baftas!! He's a prolific British actor and he wasn't included??
• Many people were upset that the late Joan Rivers wasn't included... I wasn't at all - The others were important and likable people of the industry. She's a fucking despicable cunt who was not funny or important and didn't deserve a spot in the memorial.
• Some sappy shite tune was played after this, as usual.
• Whiplash takes the Best Editing which is absolutely NO surprise at all - Some engrossing stuff there that keeps you firmly on your toes.
  
  

  

  This is all drumming by the way...

• Terrence Howard was clearly hammered going up here. He forgot what he was saying but acted like he was caught in the moment - then again it coulda been the teleprompters being shite again. He also started grabbing the mic passionately and sending feedback throughout the room. Relax Terry...
• John Legend and Common gave a jaw dropping performance of their song Glory from Selma. Had pretty much the entire room in tears - though that didn't stop them from giving a premature clap a few seconds before the end of the song. They of course walked away with the Award.
  
  
  
• One of the finest moments of the entire show here followed by one of the most unsettling. Idina Menzel took to the stage to introduce Glom Gazingo, who turned out to be John Travolta, Joyously poking fun at himself over his mispronunciation of her name last year, calling her Adele Dazeem - Which sounds like a spell a genie would cast.
• Then came the moment which made the world uncomfortable. Travolta getting disturbingly close to Idina like he was going to gob-smack her, holding her by the waist and then holding her face for a long enough time that he looked like he was about to start clawing it off.
  
  

  

  "I will tear your fucking jaw off, you bitch" - John Travolta (2015)

• They then made the same joke over and over again to the point of being unfunny. So that was a shame...
• Travolta also got in a really invasive pic with Scarlett Johansson where she clearly looked uncomfortable and horrified... Then again his face was melting.
  
  

  

  Look at the disgust

• Common goes to collect his award for Best Original Song, 100% leaves Oprah hanging.
  
  

  

  I'd do the same if David Oyelowo was there

• Lady Ballgag came out and did something I didn't expect.... she gave a great performance... it was so unusual. Then again, it wasn't really the right event for her to come out in a dress made of used condoms and dog meat like the normally does. Showed she was capable of performing properly. Even though it was a weird and unnecessary throw back to The Sound of Music...
• 70% of Julie Andrews and 30% plastic came out then to announce the Best Original Score - All great scores but Interstellar fucking owned that. The Grand Budapest Hotel took the win.
• Birdman takes Best Original Screenplay - a wise choice but it should have gone to Nightcrawler.
• The Imitation Game then takes the Best Adapted Screenplay followed by a very powerful speech from screenwriter Graham Moore, again on the subject of suicide. When asked in an interview afterwards why he decided to talk about that, he said how he's a writer and writers never get a chance to talk, so he was going to take those 45 seconds and use them.
• Ben Affleck, a phenomenal director, announced the Best Director; went to Alejandro González Iñárritu who absolutely deserved it! - Some would say Richard Linklater. While I think he did a great job, Iñárritu really pulled this one off.
• The biggest question I think everyone had was who would win between Michael Keaton for Birdman and Eddie Redmayne for The Theory of Everything. I was happy with either of them, but would have liked to see Keaton on top. Redmayne managed to grab it and it was well deserved. He also had the most genuinely excited reaction and speech I've ever seen.
  
  
  
• Julianne Moore received her expected Oscar for Still Alice, Some would argue that she should have been nominated for Maps To The Stars... absolutely not, she's good in it, nothing more. 
• Neil Patrick Harris unveiled his magical predictions of what would happen throughout the night, and wouldn't you know it, he was right! Of course because the box they were in was suspiciously close to the curtain and likely had a trap door in the back to slide the predictions into...
• American Sniper is a good action film, but one that isn't worthy of a Best Picture nomination. It should have been removed and replaced with Interstellar, Nightcrawler, Selma & Under The Skin
• Finally, Sean Penn sauntered out and gave the dreariest reading of the Best Picture nominees I've ever heard. At least he read them though, Tom Hanks a few years ago just walked up and announced the best film and that was it. It was ultimately just down to Boyhood or Birdman and Birdman managed to grab it. Penn makes a joke asking who gave Iñárritu a Green Card, which if you heard while unaware of the fact they worked together before on 21 Grams, would seem insanely insulting. But I think it was intended in a jokey manner and Iñárritu understood that (I also doubt he'd give a fuck since he just won Best Picture) - Perhaps it was Penn's appalling delivery which made it seem worse than it was.
• Michael Keaton finally got a chance to speak when they went up for their awards leaving them with the extremely humble - "Look, it's just great to be here, who am I kidding? This is just great fun!"
  
  

  

  Legendary

And that's that.

Over all I think it was a decent Oscars, despite my essay of complaints! All the winners were deserved, even if I didn't necessarily agree with them. The performances of music were mostly great and the show itself didn't drag. I do sincerely hope that Neil Patrick Harris doesn't do it ever again though, he was atrocious. Let Louis C.K. do it! Or get Amy Poehler and Tina Fey, they do great at the Globes.

What were your favourite or least favourite moments? Let me know in the comments below!