Here we are after my usual ultra delay, the top 20 worst and most prolapse inducingly bad films of 2013. I'm aware that it's well into 2014 now but delays kept coming and coming so you're just going to have to fucking deal with that. As usual, I keep making my posts way too long. I intended on doing loads of mini reviews but instead I just did fairly normal reviews for each movie, which was taking too long, so for my top 5 I changed the format. You'd be out of your fucking mind if you thought I was going to go back through them all and simplify them the same way. Enjoy!
20. Man of Tai Chi
20. Man of Tai Chi
This garbage began with some promise, a man getting his throat slit for losing a fight, by the film's writer and director, Keanu Reeves. Merciless and basically shows him to be a zero tolerance evil villain. We then follow some twat around as he demonstrates absolutely incredible Tai Chi skills and he begins winning numerous fighting competitions and basically catches the wooden eyes of Keanu who wants to train him to be an ultimate machine for his own bidding by putting him into several private and monitored fights. As fun as it sounds, it's pish. Written by a pair of muddy butt cheeks it seems, it was all somewhat possible until special, badly CGI'd, magic Chi abilities came in and shattered what little credibility this had. Every fight scene seemed to be like fighting a fucking pillow because no matter what was thrown, punches, kicks, elbows, knees, loafs, they all left NO impression in any way, not a fucking scratch. Keanu lived up to his stereotype of wooden, brutal acting the entire way through. It's nicely choreographed and shot reasonably well, but it's a fucking dreadful movie. Looks better than 47 Ronin at least...
19. The Incredible Burt Wonderstone
Here's a film that when I was watching, didn't seem that bad until I thought about it afterwards and realised it was like smothering my face into Rob Reiner's tits, which for some weirdos might be good but for me, was awful! It follows a duo of magicians played by bug-eyed legend, Steve Buscemi and the never changing but still likable, Steve Carell. They're on top of the world and blowing minds with their tricks but their shit is becoming outdated and that's when the new craze comes in, shock-magic essentially. Jim Carey, the saving grace of the film comes in as a Chris Angel pisstake, doing insane stunts and alternative violent magic and taking the charm out of old school magicians! Sadly that doesn't even save it, his stunts are the only things likely to get any laughs out of you. It's basically a back and forth of whose better than who until the duo splits due to an argument while trying to copy Carey's relevant style of magic. On reflection, despite being right about how magic has gone, its still a very pointless movie. Its a formula that has been fed to us a million times, friends break up, use some sort of "One last chance" type thing to come back as friends and win everyone over and make the bad guy a loser. A boring and tired concept. It's my favourite of the worst comedies but that's not really a good thing is it? It also features one of the last roles of the late, great, James Gandolfini.
18. The Guilt Trip
Here's a film that when I was watching, didn't seem that bad until I thought about it afterwards and realised it was like smothering my face into Rob Reiner's tits, which for some weirdos might be good but for me, was awful! It follows a duo of magicians played by bug-eyed legend, Steve Buscemi and the never changing but still likable, Steve Carell. They're on top of the world and blowing minds with their tricks but their shit is becoming outdated and that's when the new craze comes in, shock-magic essentially. Jim Carey, the saving grace of the film comes in as a Chris Angel pisstake, doing insane stunts and alternative violent magic and taking the charm out of old school magicians! Sadly that doesn't even save it, his stunts are the only things likely to get any laughs out of you. It's basically a back and forth of whose better than who until the duo splits due to an argument while trying to copy Carey's relevant style of magic. On reflection, despite being right about how magic has gone, its still a very pointless movie. Its a formula that has been fed to us a million times, friends break up, use some sort of "One last chance" type thing to come back as friends and win everyone over and make the bad guy a loser. A boring and tired concept. It's my favourite of the worst comedies but that's not really a good thing is it? It also features one of the last roles of the late, great, James Gandolfini.
18. The Guilt Trip
In a way more mild and roundabout way, I experienced a guilt trip of my own in order to see this. It conveniently came out on mother's day and my own mother wanted to see it... so I was dragged (I paid us in, but still) to see it. The story follows Seth Rogan who is an advertiser for some bullshit product he has that cleans things incredibly well and doesn't contain any chemicals or anything harmful. When on his way around the country to try distribute this product, he makes a stop at his almost impossibly Jewish mother's house. Played frighteningly by a 200 year old Barbara Streisand. She literally must have googled "Jewish mother stereotypes" and watched all of the Seinfeld episodes containing George's mother because that's all she acted this entire film. She noses (pun half intended) her way into his trip using a guilty story of lost love and he's forced into dealing with the cunt on his journey to sell some piss, which at any point possible, she will hinder by shite talking and doing annoying motherly things to fuck everything up. This was a fairly aggravating movie, laden with the same old shit we've seen before that you'll see briefly mentioned about Burt Wonderstone. The characters fight, make up and essentially save the day. From the first frame you can tell how this was going to go. There's a subplot of him trying to track down her lost love for her and it's just daft. It tries so hard to be heartwarming and ends up being lame and over done. You can truly do without this movie. Put it on for your own mother though, it's literally made for them...
17. The ABC’s of Death
This has a premise that was even more exciting than V/H/S but about a billion times more disappointing. 26 directors, 26 short films, 26 letters of the alphabet each randomly assigned to each director, all must involve death, total creative freedom, any format is accepted, live action, animation, stop motion, any genre, nothing is too controversial, no limits. It sounded fucking JAW dropping. I was excited for an entire year for this, constantly checking when the Irish release was going to be. Thankfully I got an early peak through VOD, which is one of the best inventions ever! I was positively heart broken... I wont list the names of the films because it would spoil some good ones but also be a pain to write about all of them! Despite this being garbage, I do encourage people to watch. It's hugely admirable for it's idea and a good inspiration to get you and 25 of your mates to each do one with a random letter and see who comes up with the best one! It's odd that there is excellent points about one of the worst films of the year but it's un-even shifts are to blame for the badness. A, D, I, J, L, O, P. Q, R, T, U, X & Y. They're the only ones worth watching, some are good, some are excellent. I know 13 out of 26 seems decent but it's fucking not. The others aren't "Meh, not great" They're literally appallingly bad. I actually couldn't believe how shit they were, some were actually worse than some of the movies below. On par with the ending of Dexter!... Well maybe not that shit or disappointing... Over all it's a mess, some of them are a fucking struggle to get through. It does have the benefit of being able to be watched over time though. You could watch a short a day if you wanted cause none of them connect and they're all their own separate little story. As I say, I do think this should be watched for those shorts above, I'd seriously recommend skipping some. F is for Fart... FART!!! of all fucking things the cunt picks fart. It's Asian and involves CGI farts. I was embarrassed when watching it. Lots of these are student film quality, but all the ones highlighted above are great in some way. Especially D, L and U, they're my favourites, all had some effort, were atmospheric and suited the movie. Avoid the ones not mentioned, I'm not joking, they're that fucking bad.
This has a premise that was even more exciting than V/H/S but about a billion times more disappointing. 26 directors, 26 short films, 26 letters of the alphabet each randomly assigned to each director, all must involve death, total creative freedom, any format is accepted, live action, animation, stop motion, any genre, nothing is too controversial, no limits. It sounded fucking JAW dropping. I was excited for an entire year for this, constantly checking when the Irish release was going to be. Thankfully I got an early peak through VOD, which is one of the best inventions ever! I was positively heart broken... I wont list the names of the films because it would spoil some good ones but also be a pain to write about all of them! Despite this being garbage, I do encourage people to watch. It's hugely admirable for it's idea and a good inspiration to get you and 25 of your mates to each do one with a random letter and see who comes up with the best one! It's odd that there is excellent points about one of the worst films of the year but it's un-even shifts are to blame for the badness. A, D, I, J, L, O, P. Q, R, T, U, X & Y. They're the only ones worth watching, some are good, some are excellent. I know 13 out of 26 seems decent but it's fucking not. The others aren't "Meh, not great" They're literally appallingly bad. I actually couldn't believe how shit they were, some were actually worse than some of the movies below. On par with the ending of Dexter!... Well maybe not that shit or disappointing... Over all it's a mess, some of them are a fucking struggle to get through. It does have the benefit of being able to be watched over time though. You could watch a short a day if you wanted cause none of them connect and they're all their own separate little story. As I say, I do think this should be watched for those shorts above, I'd seriously recommend skipping some. F is for Fart... FART!!! of all fucking things the cunt picks fart. It's Asian and involves CGI farts. I was embarrassed when watching it. Lots of these are student film quality, but all the ones highlighted above are great in some way. Especially D, L and U, they're my favourites, all had some effort, were atmospheric and suited the movie. Avoid the ones not mentioned, I'm not joking, they're that fucking bad.
16. World War Z
This one was doomed from the first time I set my eyes on the bullshit trailer. Before that I was excited, when it was announced it was when zombies were very popular. The Walking Dead was nice and new and in its prime. There was controversies with real guns being on set and being seized by the police. It was a mad sounding and interesting idea. The trailer comes and essentially shows me I Am Legend before it gets bad. The shittiest zombies I've seen in Years. Sure they were speedy and contorted In cool ravenous ways, but they were shitty looking rip offs of the rage fueled lunatics in 28 Days Later. They were awful CGI too, stupid grey bouncy balls hitting off each other as zombies. Fuck off. They can all run into each other and climb each other to the point where they're a tower of zombies that can defy gravity and climb over giant walls. They looked exactly like the shit ones in I Am Legend, which is why I say this is like an awful prequel. Terrible effects, essentially a zombie flick for fucking kids. Eh we already have that ya cunts, it's called Warm bodies and it's garbage! I know it seems odd to just complain about zombies but that's what this whole film is based on. Utterly ridiculous concept, totally different from the book besides its name. The acting was tripe too, even from Brad Pitt who is a legend. Peter Capaldi didn't call anyone a fucking horses cunt even once, that's not his style. It's through and through a badly acted, badly written, badly edited pile of cow sludge. Pitt also manages to go all across the world on planes too, to Jerusalem even, fucking bullshit. It's only redeeming features are two moments of clever thinking by Pitt. At one point he has blood in his mouth, so immediately tells his family to stay back and stands on the edge of a building so that if he can feel the speedy change come on, he can jump off and save his family from harm. Much better than the shutting up about it approach and then wrecking everyone's life later! The other aspect I enjoyed was that he duct taped phone books around his arms so that they wont get bitten. Clever thinking! If only everyone involved applied that to the rest of the fucking film! Don't waste your time with this one! Despite those two things, it wont help when the real zombies attack...
15. Olympus Has Fallen
Another fucking brutal disappointment here... Directed by the somewhat reliable Antoine Fuqua, the man responsible for one of the finest crime dramas in the last 15 years, Training Day, comes this absolute bag of horse shit, one that was steaming with potential too. Gerard Butler plays a former guard for the president played by Aaron Eckhart. He was relieved of his duties when he lets the first lady die in order to save the president in a ridiculously CGI car crash of sorts. Already had a bad taste in my mouth but thought to myself "It's ok, the butcherings will be here soon" - little did I know the film itself was a butchering. Years after that, The Korean's seize The White House and have the president held captive, so special agent fuck-face decides to make his way in to rescue him and presumably right his wrongs... the take down of the White house was fucking garbage, it was like watching a cartoon. Butler found it easy enough to just stroll in too. I was very patient with this shit because I was expecting some quality action to kick in, which it never fucking does. The power gets cut pretty much instantly so basically all of the action takes place in the dark. Almost impossible to see what's happening! Be easier to watch the Bourne movies sitting an inch from the screen. Morgan Freeman plays the vice president or something, I can't really remember it was so bad, he's in communication with Butler throughout, delivering some awful lines you'd expect to hear in a straight to dvd horror movie "They have opened the gates of hell" - something along those lines, atrocious. I went with three other people to the cinema to see this, two left before the end and the second I saw a glimpse of ending credits, I was fuckin' up and out straight away. I'm surprised so many films here managed to be worse than it... I really thought this would be the one... the scenes in question are one of the Korean's throwing the American flag off the roof and it falls in slow motion for fucking ages, clearly done to anger the rednecks in the audience si they'll want revenge by the end of the film. The other was a woman being dragged away to be tortured, but while she's dragged she's bellowing the pledge of allegiance. Both cringe worthy and forced my friends to go. I hate my dedication to finishing even bad films... awful story, awful acting, awful action, awful film. Flush this shit down the jax..
14. The Station
This was a completely blind viewing, only going on the fact it was showing at a horror film festival with films selected by reliable people! Even though four films from the festival are on this list... Can't all be winners! This one definitely isn't. Starting well we follow two German lads out in the alps doing science type shite when their wee dog goes in to a cave that's covered in a mysterious red slime of sorts and gets attacked by a creature inside. The lads bring him back to their cabin to nurse him back to health and try investigate what that shite is. While doing that, some minister or something is on her way down with her bodyguard and PR's and shit to see how their investigation is going. Little do they all know, that creature is still on the loose and is mutating with every kill. Sounds relatively good and that's because it actually began with a lot of promise. It felt very much like a German version of The Thing but didn't deliver that at ALL. I haven't a fucking breeze what this was trying to do, it started off tense, leaving the characters isolated in a cabin fearing for their lives and then pretty much became a fucking comedy film halfway through! The minister woman who is about 60 becomes the sensible badass and delivers some ridiculous lines and kills. None of the characters are interesting or necessarily likable at all. They threw in a rocky romance too to try make it more interesting but just made it extra fucking boring. While I appreciate practical effects and violence, it doesn't work for me if the film surrounding that is dogshit. Like Murder Set Pieces. Some of the most insane violence I've ever seen, loved it on my first viewing. Second viewing, it's one of the biggest pieces of shit ever. That can happen sometimes sadly... This was rubbish anyhow, If you want to give yourself a massive disappointment, then look here!
13. The Paperboy
In fairness, with this one, I wasn't interested in it in the first place really so it's no REAL surprise that it's here, but it was still a tad. I thought it'd at least be ok. After finding my love for McConaughey I had hope that he'd be able to make anything he touches into gold and with watching this, I was fairly wrong, not completely wrong though, he was the best thing about this movie, along with John Cusack. They're quite literally the only things that worked for me... The story follows that little pillock Zack Efron who is becoming very romantically involved with a total hill-billy skank bag played by Nicole Kidman, no it's not a documentary in case you're wondering. She happens to be the fiancee of imprisoned psychopathic murderer and sex fiend, John Cusack. He got to know her through Zack's brother played by good ol' Matthew McConaughey, who is a top Miami reporter and is investigating the case involving Cusack. As you can probably guess. This makes things a bit complicated with everybody... The whole movie is being narrated by Macy Gray too... it's set in the early 60's I think and she's plays a house maid... This film tries a bit too hard to be trashy but serious at the same time. It can't really be done well, especially not here. Cusack played the psycho well but they almost tried to make him too evil and had an unnecessary and awkward scene of him jizzing in his cacks while Kidman spreads her legs during visiting time in prison. Another case of trying too hard would be in a scene where Zack gets a jellyfish sting on his cheek and Kidman pisses all over his face. This is after some other girls tried and she has one of the worst written arguments of the year "He don't like strangers pissin' on his face, if anyone's pissin' on his face it's gonna be me" Fucking woeful. The dialogue doesn't sound like the times at all, it's absolutely outrageous. The editing of it was muck too, looked like it was done in movie maker by a 7 year old who figured out the transitions button. Other than McConaughey and in some ways Cusack, this movie was a start to finish piece of dogshit. Awfully made, badly structured and most of all, terribly written!
This was a completely blind viewing, only going on the fact it was showing at a horror film festival with films selected by reliable people! Even though four films from the festival are on this list... Can't all be winners! This one definitely isn't. Starting well we follow two German lads out in the alps doing science type shite when their wee dog goes in to a cave that's covered in a mysterious red slime of sorts and gets attacked by a creature inside. The lads bring him back to their cabin to nurse him back to health and try investigate what that shite is. While doing that, some minister or something is on her way down with her bodyguard and PR's and shit to see how their investigation is going. Little do they all know, that creature is still on the loose and is mutating with every kill. Sounds relatively good and that's because it actually began with a lot of promise. It felt very much like a German version of The Thing but didn't deliver that at ALL. I haven't a fucking breeze what this was trying to do, it started off tense, leaving the characters isolated in a cabin fearing for their lives and then pretty much became a fucking comedy film halfway through! The minister woman who is about 60 becomes the sensible badass and delivers some ridiculous lines and kills. None of the characters are interesting or necessarily likable at all. They threw in a rocky romance too to try make it more interesting but just made it extra fucking boring. While I appreciate practical effects and violence, it doesn't work for me if the film surrounding that is dogshit. Like Murder Set Pieces. Some of the most insane violence I've ever seen, loved it on my first viewing. Second viewing, it's one of the biggest pieces of shit ever. That can happen sometimes sadly... This was rubbish anyhow, If you want to give yourself a massive disappointment, then look here!
13. The Paperboy
In fairness, with this one, I wasn't interested in it in the first place really so it's no REAL surprise that it's here, but it was still a tad. I thought it'd at least be ok. After finding my love for McConaughey I had hope that he'd be able to make anything he touches into gold and with watching this, I was fairly wrong, not completely wrong though, he was the best thing about this movie, along with John Cusack. They're quite literally the only things that worked for me... The story follows that little pillock Zack Efron who is becoming very romantically involved with a total hill-billy skank bag played by Nicole Kidman, no it's not a documentary in case you're wondering. She happens to be the fiancee of imprisoned psychopathic murderer and sex fiend, John Cusack. He got to know her through Zack's brother played by good ol' Matthew McConaughey, who is a top Miami reporter and is investigating the case involving Cusack. As you can probably guess. This makes things a bit complicated with everybody... The whole movie is being narrated by Macy Gray too... it's set in the early 60's I think and she's plays a house maid... This film tries a bit too hard to be trashy but serious at the same time. It can't really be done well, especially not here. Cusack played the psycho well but they almost tried to make him too evil and had an unnecessary and awkward scene of him jizzing in his cacks while Kidman spreads her legs during visiting time in prison. Another case of trying too hard would be in a scene where Zack gets a jellyfish sting on his cheek and Kidman pisses all over his face. This is after some other girls tried and she has one of the worst written arguments of the year "He don't like strangers pissin' on his face, if anyone's pissin' on his face it's gonna be me" Fucking woeful. The dialogue doesn't sound like the times at all, it's absolutely outrageous. The editing of it was muck too, looked like it was done in movie maker by a 7 year old who figured out the transitions button. Other than McConaughey and in some ways Cusack, this movie was a start to finish piece of dogshit. Awfully made, badly structured and most of all, terribly written!
12. Kick-Ass 2
Now this... THIS was a fucking abortion of a film. What the FUCK were they thinking?? It's one of those films where I don't know how the actors didn't just go "Ah here wait a second, this is fucking bollocks, d'ya want to rewrite all this shite out and make something good? No? 10 million? Yeah ok" - Appalling. It continues from the highly enjoyable and brilliantly made first movie with not only a new director (and a clearly shit one at that) but with a few cast changes, nothing major but it's easy to notice and can fuck a movie up. Kick-Ass has pretty much put his career as a crime-fighter behind him while trying to get through college, Hit-Girl is pretending to be a normal teen for her new guardian Marcus but is secretly still fighting crime. After Kick-Ass changed the world with his heroism, regular saps across the country are suiting up to become superheros and defend the streets, the main leader of these is Colonel Stars and Stripes, played by a near unrecognizable Jim Carrey. Hit-Girl legitimately trails off into the world of a normal teenage girl, learning about boys, how mean girls work in the unrealistic world of movies and just dealing with the regular shite they go through. They essentially ripped off Carrie with how she gets treated, which is odd considering Chloe Moretz plays Carrie in the fucking remake! She remade her remake before it was released! Kick-Ass decides to join up with CS&S and take down criminals. All the while this is going on, Red Mist is plotting his revenge against Kick-Ass by assembling a team of evil villains to take him down. Jesus H. Cunt this was so, SO bad. Hit-Girl wasn't funny at all in this. It was kinda cute and funny when you get a kid to swear even worse than any of the other characters in a film but when it's a normal teenager it's just fucking lame. Considering it IS Mark Millar's worth is is expected to hear some of the worst dialogue of all time. He is behind some great comics but he writes like an 11 year old with tourettes who just heard his first Eminem CD. They made Red Mist into a bumbling idiot and tried to have every line he delivers almost be a memorable quote. None of which are, they're unforgettable sure, but purely because they're so badly written. His super team were ridiculous too and insanely unrealistic. Kick-Ass is now built like fuck which is the opposite of what he was in the first. He's no longer weak and stupid, he can now fight and is far stronger. During a raid on a card game with Carrey and Kick-Ass, they tried to do the same thing as the first and have an upbeat punk song over everything they're doing, chocked with one liners. It's fucking cringeworthy. it's also laden with CGI, some of the worst I've seen in this day and age. I was furious the entire time watching it, I really wanted to enjoy it and I really tried but fucking hell, you'd have to be a full blown fool to enjoy this. It took everything good that the first had and threw it away. Instead of being an over the top, fun crime comedy with a superhero theme, it was just a bad comedy with a superhero theme and was TOO over the top. The first is silly but it's somewhat believable, this was embarrassing. It took all the crazy and stupid and dropped all the realistic and serious and just made a botch job. Imagine Lethal Weapon 2 was a flat out comedy, it'd be fucking shit and would insult the first one. This film can fuck itself. Jim Carrey also distanced himself from any promotion or premieres too because of a recent (at the time) school shooting because he now doesn't agree with gun violence and this has plenty in it... he didn't donate his pay to a charity of some sort in connection to the shooting though... the greedy shite. If he's that against it he would have! I like the guy but he can lick my fucking shitty ring for that. I rambled a lot there but I'm just so pissed off, this should have been great... the next film here has the same issue though...
Now this... THIS was a fucking abortion of a film. What the FUCK were they thinking?? It's one of those films where I don't know how the actors didn't just go "Ah here wait a second, this is fucking bollocks, d'ya want to rewrite all this shite out and make something good? No? 10 million? Yeah ok" - Appalling. It continues from the highly enjoyable and brilliantly made first movie with not only a new director (and a clearly shit one at that) but with a few cast changes, nothing major but it's easy to notice and can fuck a movie up. Kick-Ass has pretty much put his career as a crime-fighter behind him while trying to get through college, Hit-Girl is pretending to be a normal teen for her new guardian Marcus but is secretly still fighting crime. After Kick-Ass changed the world with his heroism, regular saps across the country are suiting up to become superheros and defend the streets, the main leader of these is Colonel Stars and Stripes, played by a near unrecognizable Jim Carrey. Hit-Girl legitimately trails off into the world of a normal teenage girl, learning about boys, how mean girls work in the unrealistic world of movies and just dealing with the regular shite they go through. They essentially ripped off Carrie with how she gets treated, which is odd considering Chloe Moretz plays Carrie in the fucking remake! She remade her remake before it was released! Kick-Ass decides to join up with CS&S and take down criminals. All the while this is going on, Red Mist is plotting his revenge against Kick-Ass by assembling a team of evil villains to take him down. Jesus H. Cunt this was so, SO bad. Hit-Girl wasn't funny at all in this. It was kinda cute and funny when you get a kid to swear even worse than any of the other characters in a film but when it's a normal teenager it's just fucking lame. Considering it IS Mark Millar's worth is is expected to hear some of the worst dialogue of all time. He is behind some great comics but he writes like an 11 year old with tourettes who just heard his first Eminem CD. They made Red Mist into a bumbling idiot and tried to have every line he delivers almost be a memorable quote. None of which are, they're unforgettable sure, but purely because they're so badly written. His super team were ridiculous too and insanely unrealistic. Kick-Ass is now built like fuck which is the opposite of what he was in the first. He's no longer weak and stupid, he can now fight and is far stronger. During a raid on a card game with Carrey and Kick-Ass, they tried to do the same thing as the first and have an upbeat punk song over everything they're doing, chocked with one liners. It's fucking cringeworthy. it's also laden with CGI, some of the worst I've seen in this day and age. I was furious the entire time watching it, I really wanted to enjoy it and I really tried but fucking hell, you'd have to be a full blown fool to enjoy this. It took everything good that the first had and threw it away. Instead of being an over the top, fun crime comedy with a superhero theme, it was just a bad comedy with a superhero theme and was TOO over the top. The first is silly but it's somewhat believable, this was embarrassing. It took all the crazy and stupid and dropped all the realistic and serious and just made a botch job. Imagine Lethal Weapon 2 was a flat out comedy, it'd be fucking shit and would insult the first one. This film can fuck itself. Jim Carrey also distanced himself from any promotion or premieres too because of a recent (at the time) school shooting because he now doesn't agree with gun violence and this has plenty in it... he didn't donate his pay to a charity of some sort in connection to the shooting though... the greedy shite. If he's that against it he would have! I like the guy but he can lick my fucking shitty ring for that. I rambled a lot there but I'm just so pissed off, this should have been great... the next film here has the same issue though...
11. Machete Kills
I kinda rambled up there but it all had to be said! I always do this with lists, start short and sweet and end up doing fucking essays, but not anymore! Speaking of esses, Machete Kills or Machete Jumps An Almost Unjumpable Shark, begins with the death of his lover and partner, Jessica Alba, who has really died out in movies! When's the last time you've heard of a noteworthy Jessica film? Machete is angry and out for revenge and will take on anyone who gets in his way. While searching for revenge, he's sent on another mission, to take down notorious arms dealer, Voz, played by Mel Gibson, who wants to launch a weapon into space... essentially a fucking low budget Bond film with Mexicans. This is the same as Kick-Ass 2 in the sense that it takes all of the stupid points of the first one and fucking multiplies them by a thousand. Now I know it sounds stupid to mention the words "Machete" & " Realistic" in the same sentence unless realistic has a capital UN in front of it, but the first one, to a very mild degree, is kinda realistic... putting the intestines rope swing, spinning triple decapitation and double minigun motorbike jump aside, its a silly revenge movie that has over the top action scenes. It's hyper violent, fun and despite being so silly, set in this universe... Machete Kills on the other hand, manages to jump THAT shark and involve cyborgs, machinegun tits and fighting in space. It's just far too shit for my liking. Doesn't feel like an exploitation film either, just a woeful spy movie that took too long to end!
10. Return To Class of Nuke’Em High Vol. 1
Troma are very, VERY hit and miss with me, but will always have my respect for doing literally anything they want in their films. Absolutely nothing is taboo in their eyes, they'll make whatever they want and be as graphic as they want with sex, drugs, swearing and especially violence. All their movies have a low budget, trashy, exploitation vibe and it's always been their charm! But this just annoyed me, the style is becoming far too forced in the latest movies, the recent Father's Day didn't do much for me at all but plenty of horror fans adore it. The style doesn't work with HD cameras I don't think and when everything is just a flat out comedy instead of a silly, gory horror that's hilarious. This follows the same story as it's original, from what I hear anyway, where a school is infected by toxic tacos, this time turning the Glee club into cretins, which are basically evil punks that were clearly inspired by The Misfits. Now I knew what I was I for going in and I did have a few chuckles throughout, but this was just a shambles. It was like someone made this as an homage to Troma movies. Farts are just thrown in at any moment too just to add unnecessary crudeness. Again, I know what I'm in for with Troma but come on! That's what the Scary Movie spin offs are at now! What was so nice about the classic movies was that they were legitimately low budget and completely independent, where as now Troma has decent enough money especially from sales so they just force the low budget look and it's just shite. I know it's their trademark but still. They should literally make them on old cameras and use all the old techniques again, that would be very refreshing to see done now! This was just irritatingly stupid. The duck rape and girls who magically can grow two giant toxic dicks were just the icing on the cake for how shite this is, despite laughing at the duck scene, it's cack. It does have a really graphic, over-long lesbian sex scene though which was tremendous! Also one guy is pretty much a young Dane Cook, in looks and actions.
9. Spring Breakers
Selina Gomez & Vanessa Hudgens in an 18's movie where they do drugs, rob shops and get into all sorts of sex related adventures during spring break? Yes please! Oh you seem to have accidentally brought me a plate of bubbling cat sick... why are you walking away? I'm left with this? Bullshit. Harmony Korine watches this film from behind a camera, I wont say directs because I don't think this cunt could direct his own two legs into a pair of fucking pants, let alone a movie. It follows four teenage girls on their trip to spring break that was funded by a restaurant robbery they committed back in their home town. Gomez plays a sheltered girl from a religious family and is aptly named Faith. Such ingenious writing... the rest of the girls are just dopey slutty types, one of which is Korine's real life wife, who is surprisingly hot, but also clearly much older than the other girls. The girls end up in a cell during a drug raid but are bailed out by the twattiest looking white rapper on earth, Alien, played by Hollywood's second most pretentious actor, James Franco. The first by the way is Shia La Scruff. He introduces them to an even darker world of crime that they couldn't possibly imagine. Apart from the actual robbery scene and oddly enough, a scene with Brittney Spears music, this is absolutely godawful. I don't know what I expected really, Korine is responsible for Julien Donkey Boy which is muck and Trash Humpers which is, yep you guessed it, trash. I guess I expected a turn around cause he did write Kids which is great but more so cause Larry Clarke was behind it, even though he's no prize pig either! This was smothered in pretentiousness and dreadful acting. It was a lame attempt at trying to wake the world up to the youth mentality of today. It could have been condensed into a 15 minute short that would have been potentially more impactful. The action scenes nesr the end were jaw droppingly stupid, it was like a prank being pulled on me by my mates who secretly switched movies, to amazingly, something worse. Awful in every way and further proves James Franco wants a massive, unforgiving mickey in his mouth, as he sucks a silenced pistol like a professional. I bet he wrote in that scene. Don't bother with this
8. Stand Up Guys
Here is some of the most disappointing fucking drivel of the whole year! With such a fine premise. Christopher Walken plays Doc, an aging stick-up man who is still loosely in the game. He meets his old partner Val, played by Al Pacino who has literally just left the prison gates and they decide to bring the old gang back together with their old partner and getaway driver, Hirsch, played by Alan Arkin, for one last night of fun before Doc has to complete his, latest job, which is to take out Val. This had a great premise and a tremendous vintage cast, but what the fuck did they do to this idea??? Seriously its baffling. It was like it was written by someone who saw half of The Hangover 2. It tried to go for crude comedy stylings but with the added fun of it being three old men instead of drunk teens or thirty somethings at a stag party. All three of them could have easily kept their charm as the old guys they genuinely are but Instead opted for the shit choice and became practically brainless old fools who could hardly talk. Their oldness was so forced, especially by Walken. He actually was talking as if he had severe altzheimers or something. At one point they steal a car and act as if they're in a fucking spaceship because it's so new and confusing... rubbish writing! In the drunk they find a woman who was brutally gangraped, so they decide to help her get revenge, in a scene that seems to wash clean any form of severe emotional trauma that definitely would have been embedded in her soul. Its awful writing for the sake of badly acted comedy lines and to have a cool, tough girl. There's also a neglected subplot involving Walken's granddaughter that is thrown in haphazardly for the sake of giving this shit some bulk. Bill Burr was also in this as a henchman to keep Doc on his toes and to make sure he goes through with the job, as much as I love him, he brought fuck all to the table. Might also have one of the worst endings of the year too, it's not even a case of ambiguity like how the Coen brothers masterfully pull off, this literally just ends. It's like their budget just vanished and they had to cancel the entire ending. Pish
7. No-One Lives
A woman has gone missing and is presumably held captive by a trap setting psychopath. Meanwhile, a rich couple travelling cross country are kidnapped by a group of violent thieves, who discover the missing woman in the couples car boot. They're then fighting for survival as the man begins to pick them off one by one. Don't worry, I didn't spoil this absolute shit for anyone, it's made very clear in trailers that we're dealing with a psychopath here. I didn't know this however and the idea made me think this was going to have serious potential to be a cracking horror movie! Too bad it was fucking shit. The only thing I have a margin of respect for is the fact it used practical blood, but even then it was used absolutely terribly. Once the twist came in at the start, it managed to get worse. The psycho man, played by Luke Evans, has himself a trailer full of Mr. And Mrs. Smith style weaponry, it's fucking cringe worthy. The blonde girl above has less acting abilities than the shit I took today. That showed more passion than she fucking did. Everyone was rubbish, the atmosphere was dog shit and it's just an all round disaster. The only thing it had going for it was a point blank shotgun blast to the face. Otherwise, fuck this muck.
A woman has gone missing and is presumably held captive by a trap setting psychopath. Meanwhile, a rich couple travelling cross country are kidnapped by a group of violent thieves, who discover the missing woman in the couples car boot. They're then fighting for survival as the man begins to pick them off one by one. Don't worry, I didn't spoil this absolute shit for anyone, it's made very clear in trailers that we're dealing with a psychopath here. I didn't know this however and the idea made me think this was going to have serious potential to be a cracking horror movie! Too bad it was fucking shit. The only thing I have a margin of respect for is the fact it used practical blood, but even then it was used absolutely terribly. Once the twist came in at the start, it managed to get worse. The psycho man, played by Luke Evans, has himself a trailer full of Mr. And Mrs. Smith style weaponry, it's fucking cringe worthy. The blonde girl above has less acting abilities than the shit I took today. That showed more passion than she fucking did. Everyone was rubbish, the atmosphere was dog shit and it's just an all round disaster. The only thing it had going for it was a point blank shotgun blast to the face. Otherwise, fuck this muck.
6. Antisocial
This was a blind viewing to be fair, I got an extra ticket for it at a horror film festival and thought "Ah why the fuck not". If only I was thinking clearly... This cack thinks it's far too big for it's britches. It follows a group of geebags played by nobodies who are at a house on New Years Eve for a party to bring in the new year. Unfortunately for them, chaos breaks out outside as there is an outbreak of insane zombies. The reason for this? Social media... I understand if you want to close this post now, but please, read on! In the fake MySpace/Facebook style social site, there is secret subliminal messages that make you grow a psychotic part of your brain and cause you to hallucinate and start killing people... seriously. Clearly it's a satire film but it's not funny. It's cringingly bad and tried way, WAY too hard to be both scary and clever. I feel like whoever made this caught a few episodes of the tremendous Channel 4 series, Black Mirror and thought they could match it with satire and intelligence. But no, this falls right on it's arse and very quickly. I appreciated a few moments using practical gore but it doesn't save this shit at all. Not one person acts well in this entire film, there's this one blonde cunt that if he was at all famous, he would get a Razzie for this. I think he was the director's slow friend who he wanted to be nice to so he threw him a bone with the career destroying role of a lifetime. There's very little to say about this really, it's an all round shit-fest. Even decided to steal the incredibly effective twitch special effect and deliver it in the most uncool and un-scary fashion. This tripe definitely shouldn't have been the image for the festival, even though it suited, it definitely isn't strong enough for the honour.
5. A Good Day To Die Hard
What It's About: Grumpy old cunt, John McClane travels to Russia to try locate his seemingly missing son, only to discover he is actually an undercover CIA agent trying to take down terrorists who want to start nuclear war.
Why It's Shit: Everything in this was garbage, the story especially. Most of the action scenes were laden with CGI and it was practically swear free, very noticeably in some places. Theatrically it censored the ultimate catchphrase... Willis and Courtney's on screen father and son chemistry was like jizzing all over a piece of shit and calling it science. Every single sentence was a smug, cocky, quip directed at each other for being either a shit son or father. Brutal writing, and wholly unrealistic and basically shitting all over what Die Hard is all about. It made McClane unlikable. Fucking sinful. At least in one or two scenes it was shot well...
What It's About: Grumpy old cunt, John McClane travels to Russia to try locate his seemingly missing son, only to discover he is actually an undercover CIA agent trying to take down terrorists who want to start nuclear war.
Why It's Shit: Everything in this was garbage, the story especially. Most of the action scenes were laden with CGI and it was practically swear free, very noticeably in some places. Theatrically it censored the ultimate catchphrase... Willis and Courtney's on screen father and son chemistry was like jizzing all over a piece of shit and calling it science. Every single sentence was a smug, cocky, quip directed at each other for being either a shit son or father. Brutal writing, and wholly unrealistic and basically shitting all over what Die Hard is all about. It made McClane unlikable. Fucking sinful. At least in one or two scenes it was shot well...
4. Bullet To The Head
What It's About: A top hitman and a detective team up to take down a lunatic criminal who is responsible for the death of their partner.
Why It's Shit: I'll be honest, there's absolutely fuck all I can remember about this piece of shit. I saw it back in May and it was so lackluster and boring that it just spilled out of my arse when it was over. I do remember it being abysmal though! Worse than everything here but in such a different way. It's the most forgettable movie of the year, not one single interesting character, a spoiler ridden trailer, brilliant action ideas ruined by terrible choreography and CGI violence and what I can safely say, is the most predictable and cliched ending ever! That I wouldn't forget... Walter Hill has been responsible for some tremendous movies, he dropped a bag of balls with this one for fucking sure! Stallone was clearly roided to fucking shreds too, if he farted I'd say his whole body would implode. Jason Mamoa was disappointing too, he was such a badass ass as Khal Drogo in Game of Thrones and then he played a wise cracking throw-away villain in this! Even the epic looking axe fight was a bag of deer cunts. Wire-worked ta fuck too!
What It's About: A top hitman and a detective team up to take down a lunatic criminal who is responsible for the death of their partner.
Why It's Shit: I'll be honest, there's absolutely fuck all I can remember about this piece of shit. I saw it back in May and it was so lackluster and boring that it just spilled out of my arse when it was over. I do remember it being abysmal though! Worse than everything here but in such a different way. It's the most forgettable movie of the year, not one single interesting character, a spoiler ridden trailer, brilliant action ideas ruined by terrible choreography and CGI violence and what I can safely say, is the most predictable and cliched ending ever! That I wouldn't forget... Walter Hill has been responsible for some tremendous movies, he dropped a bag of balls with this one for fucking sure! Stallone was clearly roided to fucking shreds too, if he farted I'd say his whole body would implode. Jason Mamoa was disappointing too, he was such a badass ass as Khal Drogo in Game of Thrones and then he played a wise cracking throw-away villain in this! Even the epic looking axe fight was a bag of deer cunts. Wire-worked ta fuck too!
3. I Spit On Your Grave 2
What It's About: A young American college student pursuing a modelling career agrees to a photo shoot with some weird Bulgarian men, who after her refusal to do nude pictures, decide to brutally rape her and unrealistically smuggle her to Bulgaria as a torture/rape slave. After a daring escape, she plots her revenge for everyone involved.
Why It's Shit: I probably don't even need to explain why after you read that plot outline. This is a movie trying far too hard to be foul for the sake of being foul. Rapists are evil scum anyway but it's ridiculous how they act in this. Literally the most impossibly evil fucks ever, who are somehow connected with the police. All of the degradation done to her was for the most ridiculous shock value. A cattle prod up the minge and in the mouth was one if the many dumb things in this. It's all too stupid and unrealistic to be shocking. Irreversible was absolutely haunting because it didn't try any of this ridiculous villainy and shock tactics. This is like watching a Saw sequel with rape attached. It's needlessly vile. The revenge for the heinous crimes were absolutely rubbish too. More try hard bullshit. Cutting the guy on his arms, legs and chest and rubbing old food into it till he gets incected to death... stellar writing. Acting all round is absolutely abysmal, the story is an even worse version of the first one and the general plot is a shambles. It's just utter garbage. Everyone involved should be ashamed.
2. Lucky Bastard
What It's About: A young, obsessive nerdy fuck wins a contest that allows him to have sex with a top porn star for a new reality-porn web show. Unfortunately, he is humiliated and belittled because of his bad sexual skill and decides he's going to slaughter everyone who emasculated him.
Why It's Shit: Well, if that plot doesn't answer that question already then I'm afraid you're a fucking idiot. It may as well be the plot of an actual porn film, and considering it's shot like a porn film (Budget of €3 and two packets of ham) it wouldn't surprise me if it was just a badly made porno. It's a found footage film too so that compensates for the lack of cinematography and intelligent shooting styles. The acting is miles below terrible, I've seen more convincing orgasms out Sasha Grey than acting out of all these untalented pillocks. The main reason I wanted to see this was not due to the porn element (Give me SOME credit) but more so due to the fact it boasted being one of the most shocking and insane movies ever and it was slapped with an undeserving NC-17. Anything with the rating grabs my attention, sadly this did... had it been an R rating I'd probably have left it... if only! Also, I think it's officially released this year (2014) but it was released through VOD last year so I got to see it then... plus, 20 is a much nicer, easier number!
1. Thanatomorphose
What It's About: A lemon faced nurse who is 100% emotionless starts to decompose in her apartment over a few days. Nothing else to say...
Why It's Shit: This garbage was a SEEEEEEEERIOUS disappointment for me. There was fucking NO info on it other than that plotline. I had heard that it was a slow burning work of art that will leave my skin crawling (or falling off), so I was very interested in seeing it! Instead I was greeted with what I can only describe is a horror version of The Room, minus the hilarity and plus the boredom. The opening 10 mins were a couple talking and walking around naked in the most poorly lit house of all time that seemingly had the microphones built into the floor so you hear every thud and creek when people walk around. Terribly done... I was saying to myself "This is probably just a short film on before the main one" until I remembered it said the title of the film before all this... That's when I knew I was in for a terrible 100 mins. This wooden fool of an actress just struts around, decomposing like a bad online short based on The Fly. She keeps her rotten body parts in numbered jars and just carries on her day... she doesn't leave her house at any stage... there is NO reason for the decomposition, she makes NO effort to get help, despite being a fucking NURSE!!!! Her dimwitted French boyfriend often comes by for sex and terrible dialogue exchanges. But the "Nice guy" decides to show up and get a blow job from a fucking zombie. It had such lame, laughable attempts at shocking you but it fails so, so, SO badly. She constantly is spitting out big, ambrosia custard wads of jizz, shitting all over herself and pissing her bed, all the while fingering herself just to give it some "edge". It's an absolute shambles of a film. An interesting idea completely wasted by a squad of untalented hacks. Brutal. There was a film released last year too that I haven't got to see yet. It's the same plot but with some reason, good camera work and potentially good acting. It's called Contracted. Even if it's shit, you should still watch it instead of this shit, don't waste 100 minutes you could be spending nailing your cock to the floor or pouring petrol up your arse or juggling dead babies or something.
What It's About: A young, obsessive nerdy fuck wins a contest that allows him to have sex with a top porn star for a new reality-porn web show. Unfortunately, he is humiliated and belittled because of his bad sexual skill and decides he's going to slaughter everyone who emasculated him.
Why It's Shit: Well, if that plot doesn't answer that question already then I'm afraid you're a fucking idiot. It may as well be the plot of an actual porn film, and considering it's shot like a porn film (Budget of €3 and two packets of ham) it wouldn't surprise me if it was just a badly made porno. It's a found footage film too so that compensates for the lack of cinematography and intelligent shooting styles. The acting is miles below terrible, I've seen more convincing orgasms out Sasha Grey than acting out of all these untalented pillocks. The main reason I wanted to see this was not due to the porn element (Give me SOME credit) but more so due to the fact it boasted being one of the most shocking and insane movies ever and it was slapped with an undeserving NC-17. Anything with the rating grabs my attention, sadly this did... had it been an R rating I'd probably have left it... if only! Also, I think it's officially released this year (2014) but it was released through VOD last year so I got to see it then... plus, 20 is a much nicer, easier number!
1. Thanatomorphose
What It's About: A lemon faced nurse who is 100% emotionless starts to decompose in her apartment over a few days. Nothing else to say...
Why It's Shit: This garbage was a SEEEEEEEERIOUS disappointment for me. There was fucking NO info on it other than that plotline. I had heard that it was a slow burning work of art that will leave my skin crawling (or falling off), so I was very interested in seeing it! Instead I was greeted with what I can only describe is a horror version of The Room, minus the hilarity and plus the boredom. The opening 10 mins were a couple talking and walking around naked in the most poorly lit house of all time that seemingly had the microphones built into the floor so you hear every thud and creek when people walk around. Terribly done... I was saying to myself "This is probably just a short film on before the main one" until I remembered it said the title of the film before all this... That's when I knew I was in for a terrible 100 mins. This wooden fool of an actress just struts around, decomposing like a bad online short based on The Fly. She keeps her rotten body parts in numbered jars and just carries on her day... she doesn't leave her house at any stage... there is NO reason for the decomposition, she makes NO effort to get help, despite being a fucking NURSE!!!! Her dimwitted French boyfriend often comes by for sex and terrible dialogue exchanges. But the "Nice guy" decides to show up and get a blow job from a fucking zombie. It had such lame, laughable attempts at shocking you but it fails so, so, SO badly. She constantly is spitting out big, ambrosia custard wads of jizz, shitting all over herself and pissing her bed, all the while fingering herself just to give it some "edge". It's an absolute shambles of a film. An interesting idea completely wasted by a squad of untalented hacks. Brutal. There was a film released last year too that I haven't got to see yet. It's the same plot but with some reason, good camera work and potentially good acting. It's called Contracted. Even if it's shit, you should still watch it instead of this shit, don't waste 100 minutes you could be spending nailing your cock to the floor or pouring petrol up your arse or juggling dead babies or something.
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