Here is my list of my favourite bloody murders of the year! These can be anything really! Horrible, gory, hilarious or just simply deadly! Be aware, this will contain extreme spoilers so consider this your final warning! Also, if you're a massive, MASSIVE puss-hole and don't like violence or swearing of any kind, then please don't continue reading as it may not be to your taste. Instead, please consider fucking right off! Here we go!
10: Cloud Atlas - A Critic's Roof Top Plummet
Cloud Atlas, one of the best and most underrated movies of the year featured a deliciously gory and utterly satisfying piece of death-o-rama. Tom Hanks delivers the brutality while playing tough Oirish gangster, Dermot Hoggins as he drags the smug, dick-headed critic who gave his true crime book, "Knuckle Sandwich" a scathing review and throws him over the balcony at a rooftop party. He plummets down and literally bursts off the ground, drenching a car in so much blood that it sets off the alarm! Now that's how I like my killings. Hanks then decides to get himself two fingers of tequila to celebrate his victory.
9: V/H/S/2 - Religious Mass Suicide
After what was a supremely disappointing first feature, V/H/S/2 came back with an absolute bang! Despite having two shit short films, it had three exceptional ones, the best of course, was Gareth Evan's insane 30 min Indonesian horror, Safe Haven. I don't like to give too much away but when the cast of camera men filming a religious camp come across insane demon activities, it gets a tad weird... Zombies, demon-stag type creatures, insane murder. All the beauts! But there's one scene in particular which is just so atmospheric and deadly and that's when one of the lads runs into a room of about 10 guys praying, they all shout "AMEN!" and blow their own head off simultaneously with a pistol. It's absolutely nuts looking and ultra intense when they come back as zombies. Makes your skin crawl!
8: Stoker - Rapist Belt Neck Snap
Stoker, a film that can be easily described as camera porn. Every shot is done to perfection and obviously very carefully planned out, the style, the sound, everything was spot on. Which means that every kill was also done to perfection and didn't leave you sitting there going "They build up this far with quality and then take the cheap way out?" as so many films do. There's only a handful of kills in this but they're all brutal and shocking in some way. Especially some of the reveals, they'll leave your bones rattling! But the kill I choose for this is purely for how brutal and stylishly it is done. When good ol' India Stoker is seconds from being raped by some scumbag from her school, Uncle Charles steps in to sort the matter, putting his belt around the rapist's neck, not in a loop, mind you, but literally in a line across it, from ear to ear and with a foot in his back, he slowly pulls back, strangling the scummy cunt ever so slightly, until suddenly his entire neck snaps back! If ever there was a more satisfying and deserved kill in a movie!... Well there is... but no better belt related killing as far as I know!
7: Maniac - Stand-Up Scalping
Maniac did the ultra rare thing of taking a classic horror movie (or any genre really), remaking it and having it be absolutely phenomenal, and in my opinion, even better than the original! Now I know there will be plenty of horror maniacs (pun wasn't intended til word was fully typed) out there who will think I'm crazy and are jumping around, flailing their mickeys and tits in disbelief at that statement! Well to you I say, go and fuck yourself! It's my opinion! Suck a lemon (flavoured knob). Anyway, I'll save more of this ranting for the main review! This opens with Elijah Wood's Frank character stalking a woman through the streets of New York in his car to some eerie 80's style electronic music, all from his POV while he pants and talks to himself like a fucking nutbag. He follows her to her apartment where she turns around to see him standing just inches from her, before she can scream, he SLAMS his knife under her chin and through her mouth, which much to his convenience, shuts her up. From there, he proceeds to hold onto her hair to keep her standing and with one nice slice, scalps her completely! And just as her body slumps to the ground, MANIAC in giant red writing flashes on screen in true 80's slasher style! Horribly great!
6: Only God Forgives - Bludgeoning of The Devil
In the second most underrated movie of the year, Ryan Gosling's scum-bucket, rapist, paedophile, woman bashing, brother, Billy, who titles himself at one point, "The Devil" - decides to fuck and brutally murder a 16 year old Thai hooker. Doing the usual Saturday night routine but on a Friday, which is just not on! The angel of death, Chang decides to step in and allow the girl's father to get his revenge on Billy, by beating his head to a bloody pulp with a block of wood. This takes place off camera but it's the brutal aftermath that makes this one of the best. It's incredibly realistic looking and absolutely rotten (In the best way) but it gives you a nice, warm feeling inside knowing that horrible cunt is well and truly dead! This was probably one of many of the scenes the absolute smug twat-hawks at Cannes complained about. Absolute pussy-bags.
5: Pawn Shop Chronicles - Fish Hooks, A Ball Peen Hammer & A Kitchen Knife
Another movie that flew fucking MILES under the radar here. Interlocking three stories of pretty much three genres: Crime-Comedy, Horror-Thriller & straight up Coen Bro's style Comedy. In the middle section, we're treated to a brutal and intense thriller of a man, Matt Dillon to be precise, searching for his missing wife. After burning peoples faces, kicking the shit out of them and sometimes smashing their heads in with a brick, he finally reaches the house of a potential culprit, Elijah Wood, playing yet another maniac! He decides to take his revenge by knocking him out and allowing him to wake up, tied to a table with his mouth being held open by four fish hooks tied to the four corners of the room. Using some interesting interrogation techniques, he plunges a hammer into his open mouth and mangles his teeth. Much to my surprise, it was EXTREMELY graphic! I didn't think the film was going to be that brutal at all! After some more fact finding, he then slices him to pieces with a kitchen knife, unfortunately that bit was off screen, probably to give us time to close our mouths after our jaws hit the ground during the hammer scene! Also, this was one of the final movies of good ol' Paul Walker.
4: Django Unchained - Schultz's Last Stand
This was easily the saddest death of the year! (Probably not, but come on, he was a legend!). It's the movie of 2013 that I've seen the most (Musta been like 6 or 7 times) and it delivers a high quantity of insanely violent and bloody deaths! My favourite however is not the most violent, but the most epic looking and also most unfortunate and sad death of the movie. After Schultz and Candy have come to a deal, lead hilariously by Christoph Waltz's legendary charm, Candy pushes him a tad too far and he shoots him dead, unfortunately leading to Pooch blasting him in the chest with a shotgun and sending him across the room. Seems simple enough but the entire bookshelf practically exploding behind him from the spread of the bullets is one of the coolest and most epic looking things of the year! And just in Schultz's cheeky style he goes out with the last lines of "I'm sorry, I couldn't resist" - Amazing!
3: Riddick - Half Decapitation
David Twohy returns to direct a sequel in which I didn't have much interest in, but then I heard it's neglecting it's absolutely bollocks precursor, The Chronicles of Riddick and going to it's old roots. And that it did! Like Pitch Black, this relied on minimal ground to cover and practical gore effects. This features one of the finest scenes of violence I've seen in a long time! Riddick is tied to a chair for the safety of everyone, but one of his feet is loose, so when scumbag, rapist, cuntbag, bounty hunter Santana comes at him with a machete, he is unexpectedly greeted with a boot in the stomach, his machete kicked into the roof and he is booted back into a wall, only for the machete to fall and for Riddick to use his graceful balance to catch it on his foot, flick it into the air and kick it at Santana, decapitating him from the mouth upwards and letting his head slide off into a glass box, as a souvenir of sorts! Now it sounds daft, and it is, but whats so beautiful about this is that they used a real machete to cut through an insanely realistic head of the actor letting blood spray EVERYWHERE! No bullshit CGI here, a full blown, blood filled prosthetic. The way violence is meant to be! Even the head falling into the box was a fake head. It put a smile on my face, perhaps not as big as the smile he had though...
2: You're Next - Brain-Blender
In 2013's most enjoyable horror-comedy (Homedy?) we're treated to a plethora of brutal murders! I was torn as to what I wanted to pick as my favourite from it because there was so many, but I had to go for the most over-kill of the bunch. When our bad-assed Aussie protagonist, Erin is fighting off super-psycho-emo-cunt, Zee and her sort-of brother in law and professional twat, Felix, she decides to unleash the final justice on him in the most needlessly graphic but ultra enjoyable way possible... by jamming a blender into his head and turning it on full power, mangling his brains to mush and letting them piss down his face. The whole cinema was a nice mixture of gagging and cheering when it happened! We ALL knew what was coming and it was just fantastic! The runner up kill from this movie that had me originally torn, conveniently involves running! I'll put it this way, sprinting for your life, a line of wire between two door panels, a very slit throat!
1: The Counsellor - Motorbike Wire Decapitation
And here we come to the end of my horrendously violent list of my favourite movie kills of 2013 and what better film to end on, than one of the most stylish and hideously underrated films of the year. The kill in question is like a far cooler version of the runner up kill from You're Next. The whole scene lasts a solid five minutes. we see our assassin friend measuring speed bikes in a bike shop, he then drives out to a long stretch of rode to find himself a nice big electrical pole. He parks his truck across the road form it and busts out Mr. Winch. He brings the wire from the winch across the street at the perfectly measured height and ties it VERY tightly to the electrical pole. It's not over yet though, this extremely intricate plan needs to set to perfection! On his truck he turns all his lights around to face the road and has them powered by a remote, and then he waits... Now here's the fun part! It's pitch black, a young lad with something very important is BELTING it down the road at top speed on his flash, neon green speed bike. The assassin waits for him to be at the right distance before switching on his lights, the biker is then stunned, and shocked so he lifts his head up and then BOOYAH! His head comes clean off and his body and bike slam into the ground. Had fucking goosebumps in the cinema during that scene! The build up was just amazing! It was one of the main things that made me want to see the film because it shows up testing the wires durability in the trailer and I just KNEW that was for some poor cunts head. An ultra satisfying pay off! It's lucky the film around that scene was so good too!
An honourable mention here for Evil Dead too, it has a scene of a demon girl essentially deep-throating a chainsaw but I decided to leave it out because it was a demon... if only it were someone I hated... like Justin Bieber... and if only it was a documentary.
From what I have seen so far this year and what I've seen in trailers alone, 2014 is gearing up to be a very violent year in cinema... I can't wait!
If you enjoyed this, please be sure to follow my Facebook page! - https://www.facebook.com/KevsMovieReviews
10: Cloud Atlas - A Critic's Roof Top Plummet
Cloud Atlas, one of the best and most underrated movies of the year featured a deliciously gory and utterly satisfying piece of death-o-rama. Tom Hanks delivers the brutality while playing tough Oirish gangster, Dermot Hoggins as he drags the smug, dick-headed critic who gave his true crime book, "Knuckle Sandwich" a scathing review and throws him over the balcony at a rooftop party. He plummets down and literally bursts off the ground, drenching a car in so much blood that it sets off the alarm! Now that's how I like my killings. Hanks then decides to get himself two fingers of tequila to celebrate his victory.
9: V/H/S/2 - Religious Mass Suicide
After what was a supremely disappointing first feature, V/H/S/2 came back with an absolute bang! Despite having two shit short films, it had three exceptional ones, the best of course, was Gareth Evan's insane 30 min Indonesian horror, Safe Haven. I don't like to give too much away but when the cast of camera men filming a religious camp come across insane demon activities, it gets a tad weird... Zombies, demon-stag type creatures, insane murder. All the beauts! But there's one scene in particular which is just so atmospheric and deadly and that's when one of the lads runs into a room of about 10 guys praying, they all shout "AMEN!" and blow their own head off simultaneously with a pistol. It's absolutely nuts looking and ultra intense when they come back as zombies. Makes your skin crawl!
8: Stoker - Rapist Belt Neck Snap
Stoker, a film that can be easily described as camera porn. Every shot is done to perfection and obviously very carefully planned out, the style, the sound, everything was spot on. Which means that every kill was also done to perfection and didn't leave you sitting there going "They build up this far with quality and then take the cheap way out?" as so many films do. There's only a handful of kills in this but they're all brutal and shocking in some way. Especially some of the reveals, they'll leave your bones rattling! But the kill I choose for this is purely for how brutal and stylishly it is done. When good ol' India Stoker is seconds from being raped by some scumbag from her school, Uncle Charles steps in to sort the matter, putting his belt around the rapist's neck, not in a loop, mind you, but literally in a line across it, from ear to ear and with a foot in his back, he slowly pulls back, strangling the scummy cunt ever so slightly, until suddenly his entire neck snaps back! If ever there was a more satisfying and deserved kill in a movie!... Well there is... but no better belt related killing as far as I know!
7: Maniac - Stand-Up Scalping
Maniac did the ultra rare thing of taking a classic horror movie (or any genre really), remaking it and having it be absolutely phenomenal, and in my opinion, even better than the original! Now I know there will be plenty of horror maniacs (pun wasn't intended til word was fully typed) out there who will think I'm crazy and are jumping around, flailing their mickeys and tits in disbelief at that statement! Well to you I say, go and fuck yourself! It's my opinion! Suck a lemon (flavoured knob). Anyway, I'll save more of this ranting for the main review! This opens with Elijah Wood's Frank character stalking a woman through the streets of New York in his car to some eerie 80's style electronic music, all from his POV while he pants and talks to himself like a fucking nutbag. He follows her to her apartment where she turns around to see him standing just inches from her, before she can scream, he SLAMS his knife under her chin and through her mouth, which much to his convenience, shuts her up. From there, he proceeds to hold onto her hair to keep her standing and with one nice slice, scalps her completely! And just as her body slumps to the ground, MANIAC in giant red writing flashes on screen in true 80's slasher style! Horribly great!
6: Only God Forgives - Bludgeoning of The Devil
In the second most underrated movie of the year, Ryan Gosling's scum-bucket, rapist, paedophile, woman bashing, brother, Billy, who titles himself at one point, "The Devil" - decides to fuck and brutally murder a 16 year old Thai hooker. Doing the usual Saturday night routine but on a Friday, which is just not on! The angel of death, Chang decides to step in and allow the girl's father to get his revenge on Billy, by beating his head to a bloody pulp with a block of wood. This takes place off camera but it's the brutal aftermath that makes this one of the best. It's incredibly realistic looking and absolutely rotten (In the best way) but it gives you a nice, warm feeling inside knowing that horrible cunt is well and truly dead! This was probably one of many of the scenes the absolute smug twat-hawks at Cannes complained about. Absolute pussy-bags.
5: Pawn Shop Chronicles - Fish Hooks, A Ball Peen Hammer & A Kitchen Knife
Another movie that flew fucking MILES under the radar here. Interlocking three stories of pretty much three genres: Crime-Comedy, Horror-Thriller & straight up Coen Bro's style Comedy. In the middle section, we're treated to a brutal and intense thriller of a man, Matt Dillon to be precise, searching for his missing wife. After burning peoples faces, kicking the shit out of them and sometimes smashing their heads in with a brick, he finally reaches the house of a potential culprit, Elijah Wood, playing yet another maniac! He decides to take his revenge by knocking him out and allowing him to wake up, tied to a table with his mouth being held open by four fish hooks tied to the four corners of the room. Using some interesting interrogation techniques, he plunges a hammer into his open mouth and mangles his teeth. Much to my surprise, it was EXTREMELY graphic! I didn't think the film was going to be that brutal at all! After some more fact finding, he then slices him to pieces with a kitchen knife, unfortunately that bit was off screen, probably to give us time to close our mouths after our jaws hit the ground during the hammer scene! Also, this was one of the final movies of good ol' Paul Walker.
4: Django Unchained - Schultz's Last Stand
This was easily the saddest death of the year! (Probably not, but come on, he was a legend!). It's the movie of 2013 that I've seen the most (Musta been like 6 or 7 times) and it delivers a high quantity of insanely violent and bloody deaths! My favourite however is not the most violent, but the most epic looking and also most unfortunate and sad death of the movie. After Schultz and Candy have come to a deal, lead hilariously by Christoph Waltz's legendary charm, Candy pushes him a tad too far and he shoots him dead, unfortunately leading to Pooch blasting him in the chest with a shotgun and sending him across the room. Seems simple enough but the entire bookshelf practically exploding behind him from the spread of the bullets is one of the coolest and most epic looking things of the year! And just in Schultz's cheeky style he goes out with the last lines of "I'm sorry, I couldn't resist" - Amazing!
3: Riddick - Half Decapitation
David Twohy returns to direct a sequel in which I didn't have much interest in, but then I heard it's neglecting it's absolutely bollocks precursor, The Chronicles of Riddick and going to it's old roots. And that it did! Like Pitch Black, this relied on minimal ground to cover and practical gore effects. This features one of the finest scenes of violence I've seen in a long time! Riddick is tied to a chair for the safety of everyone, but one of his feet is loose, so when scumbag, rapist, cuntbag, bounty hunter Santana comes at him with a machete, he is unexpectedly greeted with a boot in the stomach, his machete kicked into the roof and he is booted back into a wall, only for the machete to fall and for Riddick to use his graceful balance to catch it on his foot, flick it into the air and kick it at Santana, decapitating him from the mouth upwards and letting his head slide off into a glass box, as a souvenir of sorts! Now it sounds daft, and it is, but whats so beautiful about this is that they used a real machete to cut through an insanely realistic head of the actor letting blood spray EVERYWHERE! No bullshit CGI here, a full blown, blood filled prosthetic. The way violence is meant to be! Even the head falling into the box was a fake head. It put a smile on my face, perhaps not as big as the smile he had though...
2: You're Next - Brain-Blender
In 2013's most enjoyable horror-comedy (Homedy?) we're treated to a plethora of brutal murders! I was torn as to what I wanted to pick as my favourite from it because there was so many, but I had to go for the most over-kill of the bunch. When our bad-assed Aussie protagonist, Erin is fighting off super-psycho-emo-cunt, Zee and her sort-of brother in law and professional twat, Felix, she decides to unleash the final justice on him in the most needlessly graphic but ultra enjoyable way possible... by jamming a blender into his head and turning it on full power, mangling his brains to mush and letting them piss down his face. The whole cinema was a nice mixture of gagging and cheering when it happened! We ALL knew what was coming and it was just fantastic! The runner up kill from this movie that had me originally torn, conveniently involves running! I'll put it this way, sprinting for your life, a line of wire between two door panels, a very slit throat!
1: The Counsellor - Motorbike Wire Decapitation
And here we come to the end of my horrendously violent list of my favourite movie kills of 2013 and what better film to end on, than one of the most stylish and hideously underrated films of the year. The kill in question is like a far cooler version of the runner up kill from You're Next. The whole scene lasts a solid five minutes. we see our assassin friend measuring speed bikes in a bike shop, he then drives out to a long stretch of rode to find himself a nice big electrical pole. He parks his truck across the road form it and busts out Mr. Winch. He brings the wire from the winch across the street at the perfectly measured height and ties it VERY tightly to the electrical pole. It's not over yet though, this extremely intricate plan needs to set to perfection! On his truck he turns all his lights around to face the road and has them powered by a remote, and then he waits... Now here's the fun part! It's pitch black, a young lad with something very important is BELTING it down the road at top speed on his flash, neon green speed bike. The assassin waits for him to be at the right distance before switching on his lights, the biker is then stunned, and shocked so he lifts his head up and then BOOYAH! His head comes clean off and his body and bike slam into the ground. Had fucking goosebumps in the cinema during that scene! The build up was just amazing! It was one of the main things that made me want to see the film because it shows up testing the wires durability in the trailer and I just KNEW that was for some poor cunts head. An ultra satisfying pay off! It's lucky the film around that scene was so good too!
An honourable mention here for Evil Dead too, it has a scene of a demon girl essentially deep-throating a chainsaw but I decided to leave it out because it was a demon... if only it were someone I hated... like Justin Bieber... and if only it was a documentary.
From what I have seen so far this year and what I've seen in trailers alone, 2014 is gearing up to be a very violent year in cinema... I can't wait!
If you enjoyed this, please be sure to follow my Facebook page! - https://www.facebook.com/KevsMovieReviews
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