Dir: Richard Park & Y.K. Kim
Year: 1987
Cast: Y.K. Kim, Vincent Hirsch, William Ergle, Siyung Jo, Kathie Collier, Joseph Diamond, Maurice Smith, Angelo Janotti
Genre: Action/Adventure/Epic/Music/Religion/Reason We're Here/Meaning of Life
Cert: 18
Ever wonder if god exists? Well the answer is yes... but it is no man... no entity... it is purely contained in this action extravaganza. Miami Connection follows Dragon Sound, a five piece, soft rock, super band. very likely to have been hatched from genuine Korean Dragon Eggs, impregnated by Bruce Lee and Van Halen. Not only can they shred on the guitar, bass and even keyboard, they shred wood, and I don't mean having a furious session of self pleasure, I mean with high flying, bone crunching, soul breaking, Tae Kwon Do kicks. Each member is a black belt in the martial art and will fearlessly take on any son of a bitch that gets in their way. Did I forget to mention that they're all orphans? None of them have any family, only each other. They're their family, they're all that matters. Oh, did I also forget to mention that they're all culturally different? That's right, Each are American, but not 100%! Each come from a different country. Mark, the leader of Dragon Sound, rhythm guitar player and teacher of Tae Kwon Do, he is half Korean. Jim, the smooth keyboard blaster, champion of fearless, screeching, spin kicks, is not only African American, but he is also half Korean. Tom, the shredder of guitar, moistener of panties worldwide, John Oates enthusiast and nose breaking, punch chucker, is from Italy. John, slapper of bass, deliverer of lengthy high kicks, is from good ol' Ireland and finally, Jack, the uni-brow wielding, drum thumping, smasher of jaws, is from Israel. All together they're an Orphaned, Multi-International, Rock & Roll, Martial Arts Band. And to top it all off, they fight against rival bands that feel like they have been muscled out of their stage time by the riveting riffs of Dragon Sound, who will stop at nothing to get them off the stage, even if that means joining up with a group of drug dealing biker-ninjas! I know you're already running to watch this film now, but please wait till the end of this enthralling and action packed review before viewing this martial arts extravaganza.
John and Jane are somewhat of an item in this, providing the one and only love story between man and woman. The rest? Is family love, love of music, love of kicking ass, and love of good Korean food. Unfortunately for John-Boy, Jane's brother is the ruthless Jeff, a drug dealing biker gang leader, hellbent on keeping them apart, he works for Yashito, the ultimate biker gang leader... that is of course... by day... by night... HE'S A FUCKING NINJA! High flying! Death star throwing! Silent! Sword slicing fucking NINJA! He controls everything, and anyone caught dealing drugs in his town, he kills and takes every bit of the drugs and drug money for himself. He commands a squadron of ninja warriors, who will do anything at his command. They're just as ruthless and evil! These guys aren't normal guys... they're tough guys... But not tough enough for Dragon Sound, they will bravely fight against their wily villainous ways and defeat them with rip roaring tide of Rock n' Roll and a barrage of bone crunching Tae Kwon Do footwork.
After being peeled from my seat and brought to a neurologist after having my mind blown to smithereens, I knew when I recovered, I was destined to write about this extravagant martial arts epic. It begins with an intensely violent drug deal in an abandoned and beautifully moonlit building site. All starts well until Yashito and his army of sword swishing ninja misfits intercept the deal and slice the tits off anyone and everyone, accompanied by minimalist 80's electronic music, to sweeten the atmosphere just that little bit more... The violence is so incredibly realistic it's like being there, every punch and kick looks like it's being delivered through Satan's arse by Thor's hammer. Hilariously edited by someone using their feet no doubt, the sound and picture barely match up in scenes, adding to the hilarity of it. Mark doesn't seem to speak a proper word of English throughout, you will definitely need to rewind his dialogue scenes at least... fourteen times to ensure you fully understand what the fuck he was saying. Everyone else brought coherent and clear dialogue to the film. Jim, with his Michael Jackson impersonations, made an audience of onions burst into tears when giving his monologue about where his father disappeared to, he delivers this to his best friends, who are all shirtless, while he is also shirtless, with his pants unbuttoned and fly down, weeping. I believe it was one of the biggest pushes for Daniel Day Lewis's career, as he was moved to tears by the poignance and beauty in the delivery of this touching dialogue scene. Oh My God! I too was brought to tears, but they were tears of laughter. It's one of MANY of the hilarious scenes in this film, but when dissecting that scene, it got even funnier, as mentioned before with the weeping and underwear exposure, they both aided in the screaming down of my home.
On top of really forced and cruddy acting, you have some insanely poorly choreographed fight scenes, mindless action violence, hilariously tender moments of playfulness and character development. This was shown through a beach bonding session with the band, they splash each other, play with a beach ball, and try pick up babes at the beach with some tubular lines! The music to accompany this scene is a Dragon Sound original, a song entitled "Friends". It ends with a kissing scene between John n' Jane, which goes on for an uncomfortable amount of time, and just keeps fading in and out from different angles. Another one of those scenes that allowed me to break the sound barrier with laughter. Some of the dialogue exchanges with the band are absolutely side splitting, referring to drug dealers as salesmen of "Stupid Cocaine" was one of the many lines that put me in a state of paralysis. There is a scene of Tae Kwon Do training with the band that was so ridiculous and long that I felt like I literally leapt through time.
Now at this point I can imagine you're wondering, prancing around the room begging to understand why exactly I'm saying these things are bad while not moments ago mentioned how this is God. Well do yourself a favour and sit down because that's not going to help, I will explain to you now! If I was viewing this film as a genuine action film, a real film that intended to be good, I would say it was a pile of bollocks, but that would not only be my own build up of expecting Die Hard in Miami, but also due to the fact I wouldn't be watching this for what it is now. With it being resurfaced in the modern age and brought to life thanks to Drafthouse Films, it feels not like a bad 80's movie, but a fantastic homage to what the 80's was all about. Over the top action, violence, guitar solos, babes and shootouts. It brings back the charm of the 80's, while also being a legit relic of the time! Sure as a stand alone movie it's rubbish, but for what it is and in this day and age, it's fucking fantastic, it's hilarious, extremely fun and packed full of rewindable, side splitting action-comedy and chocked to the brim with one-liners that would destroy an A-Lister's career. One of the ninjas who is very Asian, has the most bushy eyed American looking stunt double on Earth, no film now would get away with that masterful stuff now. It's very important to view this movie with that correct mindset. Expect cheese, expect overkill, expect fun and you will receive it all! If you don't have fun watching this movie, you're a broken individual. Get yourself a fucking SLAB of cans and sit back some night with a crowd of mates, and get ready for an irresistibly enjoyable night of cult gold! And trust me, you're going to watch this a lot... The true meaning of "So bad it's good". Enjoy!
This gets Four lines of Stupid Cocaine out of Five, from me!
You can buy Miami Connection on VHS, DVD, Blu Ray or Digital Download here! http://drafthousefilms.com/film/miami-connection
Watch the trailer for Miami Connection below!
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