Right, so after another brief hiatus, I have returned. Thanks to loads of my draft blogs getting deleted and a review I gave away too much on and decided to re-write, I haven't posted very much here! But fear not, as I have three posts to go up now! The Best, The Worst and The Good films of 2012. Here are the films of 2012 that just pissed me off to the core, made me want to gouge out my own eyes and have an Eagle fuck the holes and just made me want to give up on film altogether...
15. Prometheus
I know some of you are jumping right out of your arses now in shock, wondering "WHY??" and "HOW??" and I know far more of you are going "Ah yeah makes sense, fair enough". For the latter, I'm nodding in agreement and happy you also understand, for the former, just really think about the film, it was dumb. A group of explorers find a clue to the origins of mankind on Earth, sending them on a journey through space to try figure it all out, but they accidentally unleash an alien virus in the process, making things... go shit. All it had going for it really was a great performance from Michael Fassbender (Reason why I chose his image) and some great special effects. It is considered by some as a prequel of sorts to Alien, Ridley Scott confirmed that it is set in the same world as Alien, but not a direct prequel. There's just hundreds of flaws with this, mainly unforgivable ones. That being said, there's still a possibility I may some day watch this again, I don't hate this film, the first 40 mins were very good but it went absolutely shite. I will simply say though, that this is the biggest disappointment of 2012 for me, that's why it resides at the end of my list, it's the best of a bad bunch!
14. Tim And Eric's Billion Dollar Movie
Despite being such a big fan of their sketch show, Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job!, I was extremely disappointed with this. It was basically like watching a really shitty version of a typical gross out comedy, minus the big named stars. It did have Zach Galifianakis Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly but they were very poor, minor characters. That being said, I did actually roll around laughing the first time I watched this, I was on a high from finally being able to see it after waiting ages and with lots of build up watching the show, I think I made it funnier in my head then it was. When I watched the second time, there was some bits that still held up well, but about 80% of it was actually not funny at all and rather embarrassing for these guys who are usually very good. They have started to bother me now too the way they go on in real life, they never break character which stops being funny very fast and just makes them look like total cunts. Even meeting them in person was strange. Tim Heidecker was very friendly and talkative and Eric Wareheim was rather blunt and rude, but according to my friend, the night before, their roles were reversed. They're a strange duo and that should be taken into consideration when watching this film but with how clever and sly their jokes are on the tv show and the small elements of realism in advertising really stupid products, this was just stupid and tried too hard to be gross and silly. Watching this again was a real eye opener, I'm glad I did but also pissed off I had to sit through that shite.
13. The Campaign
This one could be considered as a bad one to have in my Worst list by some, but it really didn't deliver at all, I was expecting plenty of dumb laughs but even they were TOO dumb and not funny. Two fools running for congress in North Carolina, one is Ferrell doing his typically loud, cheesy, stupid but refuses to accept he's stupid, character and Galifianakis playing the typically bat-shit crazy, weird, incredibly camp, Jesus freak. It's all under the control of two big CEOs who want to gain control of the state, played by two screen legends, Dan Aykroyd and John Lithgow. It comes off as a really poor man's Trading Places in a way, only not a shread as funny. The baby punching idea was shown in the trailer which took basically all humour out of it when it was shown in cinemas. I think comedies like Road Trip and Old School need to make a come back, basically Todd Philips without resorting to Hangover humour. They had a decent plot, a villain that they don't always befriend some how and the gross out jokes and scenes were done realistically and hilariously. None of this awkward, well-spoken bullshit, it's old and stale and doesn't work... Kinda like Eddie Murphy now...
12. Cosmopolis
What really can be said about a film from Body Horror Genius, David Cronenberg, about a young billionaire being driven around the crowded streets of New York looking to get a hair cut? Well, I can say this, it was absolutely shite. I was expecting a lot from this, even with Robert Pattinson on board, who as of late is getting on my good side by wrecking the heads of everyone involved with Twilight. He showcased some good acting in this, and I'll only say good because he doesn't act, nobody really acts in this film, they all talk in the same, strange monotonous way. Essentially the entire film takes place within his limo, having different encounters with people he lets in, some sexual, others just conversations. None of which are interesting, it was like watching a really shit fan made version of Holy Motors, bear in mind I saw that after, but looking back on the film it was similar in ways, only unlike this, Holy Motors was fantastic... Cinematography was insanely boring throughout this too and not much in the way of directing going on either... I thought I was in line for some classic Cronenberg and was just left sourly disappointed... HOWEVER! The last 3 - 4 minutes of this film were so good, after the credits I was thinking "Wow that was brilliant!" Then I remembered everything leading up to that moment, and remembered it was just shite... That moment featured the show stealing, Paul Giamatti, working his "Paul Giamagic..." - I'll let myself out....
11. Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning
This may very well be one of the most frustrating films to sit through, and with such an appeal, balls to the wall picture above, you should all be surprised it's in my worst of the year. Admittedly I was mainly intrigued cause it got an NC-17 for the violence alone (And one scene of vicious bumming) but it wasn't even that bad, just the MPAA getting their pussies in a knot as usual! The Red Band trailer for this promised an absolute bloody action fest, instead I got about 20 mins of fighting, stretched out to 2 hours with the most nauseating slow motion ever on film. Every single fight was in slow motion, but not normal slow motion, or stylistic slow motion that was a tad overused but still class, like in Sherlock Holmes, this was just speeding up and slowing down a really cruddy series of fights, most of which looked like Van Damme was on his way out from a bust hip. After his family is murdered, an ex super-soldier is reawakened to hunt down the men that killed them, they happen to be two rogue super-soldiers who are building an army of super-soldiers... fuck off. The likable, Scott Adkins was boring as FUCK in this too, his English accent sounded so put on and fake, despite being from England! There are some very cool bits though in the fight scenes, when it's one shot of someone getting their head smashed through a sink or something, but they're few and far between a slow motion pile of shit. Also very similar strobe effects over eerie tones, basically trying to do a half assed, really stupid, Gaspar Noe effect, it just pissed me off. Despite having the recipe for gold, Van Damme, Scott Adkins, Dolph Lundgren, an NC-17 and the guarantee of insane violence, it doesn't deliver at all. In short, this film can absolutely fuck itself.
10. Excision
After being praised by many at just about every horror film festival, this caught me attention almost instantly, but when viewing the film itself, it lost basically all of my attention. Excision follows an extremely troubled teen girl who has a bizarre sexual obsession with surgery. She's the stereotypical freak kid you see in 90's teen sitcoms... While desperately trying to lose her virginity and practicing surgery on dead animals she finds, she slowly becomes more and more insane from her stupid activities and comes up with a diabolical plan, or what I call "The best bit of the film". This to me is similar to Cosmopolis in the sense that I thought it was shit and boring the whole way through, but had such a good ending that I thought it was brilliant for a short time. This is one of the most "Trying to hard" films I've seen this year. It wasn't exactly a great year for horror, but I expected better than this. In several scenes she's having surrealist artistic style sexual dreams where nurses and doctors would be lamping each other to shreds while covered in blood and sometimes just two versions of herself staring at each other, one normal the other vomiting blood. All looking like it was shot in a tesco... and she tears herself off to these dreams, in a poor effort to make it disturbing. The most laughable try hard scene was when she pulls out an aborted foetus from herself and then puts it in a washing machine, embarrassing more so than edgy. The acting was absolutely shite all round too. The lead girl, AnnaLynne McCord played the part well, and bravely wore no make up (Brave because Hollywood are a shallow bunch of cunts) but Traci Lords was just laughable in this. Having an ex porn star, who still looks like a porn star, play a devout Christian mother, it's cringe worthy! And all the dialogue is basically porn dialogue with how lamely it's all delivered. I truly don't see all the fuss with this film, despite it's ending it was a fucking snore fest and one to be avoided. I love my horror, whether it be insanely disturbing, scary or just gory, but this tried too hard to be all of those things in the most subtle way possible, and it simply did not work and let it down!
9. V/H/S
With a premise like this, I was genuinely surprised with how shit this actually ended up being, Six directors banding together to each make a short horror film, the main story shows four complete arsehole criminals breaking into an old house said to contain a video tape they must obtain, it proves difficult as there are hundreds of tapes to go through... and the corpse of an old man there. Anyway they seem un-phased for some reason and decide to start watching through the tapes to find the correct one, seemingly worth a small fortune. Each tape they watch is a different short film, running about 20 mins each. The first is about three college dicks trying to get laid on a night out and end up bringing home a succubus (prettily pictured above...), the second follows two annoying honeymooners filming their trip, a loony then keeps using their camera to film them while they sleep and mess with them. The TURD short (I say turd instead of third as this was the biggest piece of shit in the film) follows a bunch of douchebag kids who go the some abandoned lake to have sex and party... not familiar at all... only to be hunted by a small bit of pixelation on the lens of the camera... it some how wields a knife and can kill people... it actually embarrassed me to watch that short... The fourth short, the second worst of the film, is all on webcams (Why the fuck was it recorded on a mac webcam and then put onto a video? Bullshit....) A man and woman just chat online for ages until the girl starts to believe there are ghostly entities in her house, completely helpless except for a dickface on webcam, who does absolutely nothing to help this woman... Apparently the ghosts (Children dressed green) are meant to be aliens... wasn't clear at all and was just embarrassing to watch also. Plenty of tits in this one though... Last but not least, the fifth short within a short... (Not making an overused Inception joke...) This one was the only one of the bunch that had a legitimate VHS feel to it, not only is it set 15 years ago when Video cameras were all we had, but it's used in a completely logical way! It's part of the lead characters Halloween costume so it had a purpose to be there and still filming everything! This is 4 guys all going to a Halloween party at a well light, but seemingly empty house. Weird "Blink and you'll miss it" spirits possess the house and the boys wander in on an exorcism. That was a brilliant short which unfortunately had to sit among all of these other shit shorts, including the main story arc which we see after every little video, to show us how the story of the arsehole thieves is progressing. For such a great idea it was all executed badly. I thought Ti West was behind the final short, considering it looked legitimately 90's and with his fantastic work in The House of The Devil, making the most genuinely 80's looking film ever that wasn't near the 80's, but alas no, he was responsible for that piss poor honeymoon short, that just added to how much of a let down this film was. Along with Excision, this is being praised highly by many horror aficionados and most horror festivals gave it a serious thumbs up. This not only gets a thumbs down from me, but I also take a massive shit on it. A sequel called S/V/H/S is on the way, it has Gareth Ennis so it has me intrigued, but they better learn from their fucking mistakes in this one!
8. Ted
And the award for biggest most over rated pile of absolute (Bear) shit, goes to...Ted! The first and unfortunately not last, live action film from "used to be funny", Family Guy creator, Seth Macfarlane. This follows the story of Ted, a cute, cuddly, badly computer generated, voiced by Macfarlane himself, foul mouthed little shit of a teddy bear! Hence the name, Ted! Thanks to a magical wish from a little boy, his big teddy bear has come to life! And is his best friend... Jump 20 or so years later, and you have the two lads living their lives now, the little boy grew up to be Mark Wahlberg while Ted just happened to develop a really badly portrayed Boston accent and a potty mouth, that is fucking very stupidly fucking over-fucking-used in the most fucking un-fucking-funny way fucking possible. When a kidnapper is on the hunt for Ted while he is on the hunt for a job, Marky Mark decides he needs to grow up and get on with his life with his fiancee. Really, really clutching at straws to get laughs, ridiculous pop-culture references and Seth Macfarlane completely selling out to make a cheap, brainless "Comedy" that would literally only make kids, stupid teenagers and Adam Sandler's friends laugh. What's frightening is, is that people seem to adore this film, calling it the comedy of the year and "Funniest Film Since The Hangover!" Failing to realise that the Hangover is not the only comedy film ever made and certainly not the funniest! This is the most ultra mainstream piece of shit comedy you could imagine. And in case some of you are about to make hipster accusations for bashing the mainstream, do realise that mainstream movies can be excellent! The Dark Knight trilogy for example! Anyway, Seth needs to stick to his cartoons, but should make adjustments to make them funny like they used to be... no more 10 minute songs and character changes, look back and your old episodes and see your mistakes! He may also see the irony throughout Ted afterwards too, considering he does everything he is against in that film...
7. Bad Ass
This is definitely the kind of film that should be over the top, stupid, violent and fun... but sadly it was just stupid and over the top. Based on a viral video of a war veteran in his 60's, known to the world as Epic Beard Man, who after what started as a friendly conversation with a young black guy, got accused of racism and then punched by the him and being a big fucking brick shit-house war veteran, he was having none of it and battered him for doing so. Racial accusations began to fly and how it was a hate crime and all sorts of bullshit that Americans like to make up as usual. This however, was SO pc, that rather than having it stick to the actual events, they changed it to two white skinheads, bothering a lonely, old, Morgan Freeman looking black man on the bus, when the big bad, now Mexican, Danny Trejo looking (Cause they actually fucking used him...) veteran steps in and batters them, making him the anti-racist super hero. Cause remember kids, in America, if you beat up someone from a different race, it's racist, no matter what! Anyway, after that he becomes a super star, doing TV interviews and all sorts of shit, but wants to just get on with his life, hanging out with his pet dog and friendly old Morgan Freeman part 2, not the guy from the bus, but another friendly old black man, again to be taken down by ruthless criminals. He's rather upset about this, as you can imagine... He falls in love with his domestically abused neighbour and begins to bond with her son. He gets himself into more mischief with the leader of a gang and a corrupt mayor and is forced to try and take them all down! I've had bowel movements more engaging than this drivel. I only really watched it because it was short and had the potential to be entertaining and violent. It was neither, it was 18 in the UK for whatever reason, it couldn't have been violence, the one scene of violence looked as real as Katie Price's tits. The film was SO cheap in fact, that it pulled scenes from the Arnie classic, Red Heat, because it didn't have the budget to facilitate the scenes. Fucking geeholes...
6. [.REC] 3: Genesis
After modern horror masterpiece, [.REC] and the excellent (but not as good) sequel [.REC] 2, Genesis promised me another fantastic horror movie, and it fucking lied to me. I don't know what they were thinking. It was like an insult to the first two. Not only did they drop the found footage style for a traditional normal shooting style, but they made it into what was basically a fucking slapstick comedy. Eliminating EVERY bit of charm from it. The originals were both extremely intense and edge of your seat horrors, this was basically a spoof comedy. it was an insult to the first two (I even preferred Quarantine to this, and that was SHIT). It follows a couple on their big wedding day in Spain, shot from two different points of view. One camera man is a professional, using a cinema quality camera on a steadicam, so it looks less found footage, the other was a dickhead doing the traditional camcorder. About 15 minutes in, both of these styles a dropped and it's just filmed like a regular film for the whole thing, including music (Most of it silly) and over the stop stupid zombie kills that just made me cringe with embarrassment. One of the worst things they did over all was having the reflection of a person in the mirror as a demon, it doesn't make sense... it's not fucking Vampire film... I believe there's a 4 and 5 on the way too, they will no doubt be absolutely terrible. The first two films had two directors both working on them, Paco Plaza & Jaume Balagueró. once Jaume left, it all went down hill seemingly, so I've decided that I think Paco is a cunt and a half. Jaume however, is releasing a tense thriller called Sleep Tight, so there's something to look forward to! He seems to be the one with a lick of sense. Avoid Genesis at all costs... but aside from their music, avoid this film too.
5. The Man With The Iron Fists
This one is kind of an obvious choice to be in here, I think most people, including myself, knew that this would be shit, but fucking hell, I didn't think it would be THIS shit. With Tarantino presenting (At this stage I think he presents these films without actually watching them) And RZA of Wu-Tang both writing and directing, I thought I was in for something that would at least be entertaining... I was very, very wrong. The rats in the sewers have written better scripts on the pipes with my washed up shit as ink. "Bring Da Ruckus" plays a blacksmith who has the not at all cliched character name of "Blacksmith", almost as "student movie" as the name "Man". He's quiet and keeps to himself until one day, his arms are cut off and replaced with Iron Fists that his Wu-Tang Ener... I mean "Shaolin Monk" Energy can control. "Gravel Pit" and the bad guy from Die Another Day, whose father was murdered, both go to get their revenge, with the help of professional Australian street fighter, Russell Crowe, who goes by a pun, Jack Knife with his special weapon, a knife. But no ordinary knife... the kind of knife you would see on a late night cooking channel that can do everything... it's fucking ridiculous looking. A few Tarantino cast members turn up too, probably why he threw his name on it, Jackie Browne is "Protect Ya Neck"'s whore mother, Lucy Liu as Lucy Liu and Pai Mei is wandering around there somewhere, wrecking heads. On top of all this, many warriors and assassins and Russell Crowe are hunting for a golden fortune! Smell that? Smells like a shit movie to me! Considering RZA has a great respect for martial arts and samurai culture, I thought he might have actually tried doing something good with this! Instead he shit all over the whole thing and made what you could call, a comedy of Meet The Spartans, standard. PISHHHHH! It's riddled with terrible CGI and there was nothing at all special about it's filming techniques, it's like they just had someone standing there with a camera catching all of this bollocks. Allegedly the original cut was FOUR HOURS LONG! I don't think anyone could get through that without opening their heads with a sawn-off. There was also rap music playing over the movie, rap music that didn't fit at all. I love my rap music and everything but there's a time and a place and it wasn't fucking here!
4. Savages
Wow... this was a mind blowing movie, in all of the worst ways you can imagine. Advertised cleverly as a movie that would be as insane, perhaps more so, than Oliver "Should Quit" Stone's previous masterpiece, Natural Born Killers. With a statement like that, how could you NOT want to see this??? Make sure you keep reading cause if you left to watch this after reading that, you'll be just as disappointed as I was... I see now my reviews got significantly longer so going to shorten them down a bit. This follows two totally rad gnarly surfer stoner duuuudes. Or as I like to call them, two cunts, played by Kick-Ass and John Carter. They both share a spastic girlfriend named O, played by Blake (Un)Lively. Presumably she is called this due to her narration which makes you, for the entirety of the film shout "O-h shut the fuck up!" at your tv. She gets kidnapped because she's a stupid sap, but also because the two dyeeoudes who she's being fingertrapped with, are the top medical marijuana salesmen in all of Malibu, far out. So Benicio Del Toro (The only good bit of the film) has them kidnapped for Salma Hayek... an utterly unconvincing Cartel leader. So the two dickheads need to try save their idiot, trouble making, shoulda been cut up and fed to the dogs, girlfriend. Benicio wins this movie simply because he's absolutely fucking hilarious in it, the biggest sleazy nacker in the world, it's brilliant. Sadly, his comedy gold can't save for the 2 hours and 20 mins of utter bollocks that must also be endured. Everything was done so badly (Besides 1 or 2 blood packs and a car explosion), especially the fucking , Windows Movie Maker special effects on Oliver Stones fat cameo dancing about the place. For some reason, O and Salma become friends briefly, which was one of the most infuriating things in the world to watch. John Travolta played a cop/friend of the two cowabunga dudes, and was absolutely piss in it too. He looked like a hairy mandarin. A total cop out of a movie, buy a copy, piss on it, bring it back, buy Natural Born Killers instead and enjoy your night.
3. ATM
I'm going to be honest, I don't remember much about this movie, mainly because it was such a forgettable piece of horse cum. But from what I do remember, three dickheads are on their way home from a Christmas Party in an office, when one of them (The only one worth mentioning because nobody knows the others) Josh Peck, decides to go to the stupidest ATM in the world. A big glass box in the middle of a car park. Basically begging to be robbed. His two sap friends decide to follow him and just as they decide to leave, a hooded lunatic known only as "The Man" (Worst writing ever, they should kill themselves) is lurking outside waiting for them, armed with a heafty tire iron. When trying to get back to their car, the hooded sap attacks them, and the retreat to the ATM where they remain trapped. Anyone who comes by to help them is far too easily killed by the man. I had such little care for what happened to the people in this movie, I was just waiting for them to just die already. Absolute bullshit... I watched this entire movie stone faced, not scared or laughing. It had no impact what so ever and I feel I was robbed of about 90 mins. I want that director to email me my minutes back, post haste. I genuinely don't even know what to say about this muck... Besides the fact it's better than the next two movies coming up... Do yourself a favour and never watch this.
2. Lockout
I implore you all to watch the very first 15 minutes of this film, not that it's good, but because it's actually unbelievable how bad it is. Me and some friends got about 20 mins in before we needed to turn it off. I revisited it, reluctantly to give my review in full, but it doesn't change at all from how good the first 20 mins was... In this day and age, with special effects especially, you should expect something class looking, even in the low budget movies, it looks great. This was some of the worst special effects I have ever seen in my life... EVER. My friends and I literally thought it was going to be part of some futuristic simulation and then the real movie would begin... but alas no, we were stuck with this absolute smoking hot turd of a movie. It opens with some intensely unrealistic punches to Guy Pearce's face while trying to be Hank Moody and lighting a cigarette at the same time. He is being interrogated for murdering an agent and is being sent to a futuristic space prison... now with a set up like that, it should be great. I love Sci-fi movies, especially futuristic prison ones... so why was this so fucking pants? A psychologist is on board the vessel and is studying the mindsets of the prisoners, she is also conveniently the presidents daughter... when a disaster strikes, all of the prisoners are released from their suspended animation pods and begin to run amok in the ship! WHY ISN'T THIS MOVIE GOOD! AGH! The president decides to offer Pearce freedom (Easiest prison sentence ever) if he rescues his daughter from the filthy prisoners, one played by good ol' Woody from This is England. He may look mental, but he was shite in this... He actually looks like one of the guys from Prometheus, who funnily enough, played junkie with Woody in Harry Brown!... The more you know... Anyway, this was a mega pile of shit, terrible action scenes, not worthy enough of being mindless fun, and some truly brutal special effects. Thankfully another Sci-fi actioner came out in 2012, and it happened to be one of the best of the year, that absolute BEAUTY, was Dredd. However, this movie is like an Iraqi torture technique. They show it to prisoners to try get information, and they comply straight away so they don't have to endure anymore of this dog shit...
1. Act of Valor
Here it is folks, the worst movie of 2012 and would be certainly in the worst of the decade... maybe not number 1 though... I wouldn't even call this a movie, I'd call it intense Navy SEALS propaganda. Act of Valor or America: The Movie, follows a group of REAL Navy SEALS go into hostile territory to try recover a kidnapped CIA agent. How overwhelmingly original, lads. JOIN THE ARMY. The trailer promised some mindless action, but everything you see in the trailer, happens in about 15 - 20 mins of actual action. JOIN THE ARMY. The rest is talking about how good their country is, how everything is for their country and why America's da can beat up your da. JOIN THE ARMY. The acting and dialogue was embarrassing to watch, it was like the hilarious scene in Macgruber between himself and Chris Jerico, only it was played for real. I can't believe it was really happening... The action scenes were made to look like Call of Duty, as perhaps a way to reach out to friendless gamers who may want to do the real thing. JOIN THE ARMY. I have no problem spoiling this, but through out the film, one of the characters mentions leaving the army and being with his wife and kid and all, several times. I thought they were gonna actually leave him alive because they built it up so much that if he had died it would have been so cliched that the audience would also die... and ladies and gentlemen, it was. He dives onto a grenade and decides to make the movie worse. Well done, I'm glad you're dead, and I hope it hurt a lot. I would encourage all of you to watch everything on this list before this movie. It's REALLY that bad. And you can tell the fans of this movie have fucking crimson necks so that's more reasons to avoid this absolute pile of infectious rectal vomit.
Well, I hope you enjoyed my list! The others will be up in due course, along with plenty more reviews! Again, apologies for the hiatus and the cunting blogs not saving. Enjoy avoiding these movies! Watch Dredd instead...
15. Prometheus
I know some of you are jumping right out of your arses now in shock, wondering "WHY??" and "HOW??" and I know far more of you are going "Ah yeah makes sense, fair enough". For the latter, I'm nodding in agreement and happy you also understand, for the former, just really think about the film, it was dumb. A group of explorers find a clue to the origins of mankind on Earth, sending them on a journey through space to try figure it all out, but they accidentally unleash an alien virus in the process, making things... go shit. All it had going for it really was a great performance from Michael Fassbender (Reason why I chose his image) and some great special effects. It is considered by some as a prequel of sorts to Alien, Ridley Scott confirmed that it is set in the same world as Alien, but not a direct prequel. There's just hundreds of flaws with this, mainly unforgivable ones. That being said, there's still a possibility I may some day watch this again, I don't hate this film, the first 40 mins were very good but it went absolutely shite. I will simply say though, that this is the biggest disappointment of 2012 for me, that's why it resides at the end of my list, it's the best of a bad bunch!
14. Tim And Eric's Billion Dollar Movie
Despite being such a big fan of their sketch show, Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job!, I was extremely disappointed with this. It was basically like watching a really shitty version of a typical gross out comedy, minus the big named stars. It did have Zach Galifianakis Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly but they were very poor, minor characters. That being said, I did actually roll around laughing the first time I watched this, I was on a high from finally being able to see it after waiting ages and with lots of build up watching the show, I think I made it funnier in my head then it was. When I watched the second time, there was some bits that still held up well, but about 80% of it was actually not funny at all and rather embarrassing for these guys who are usually very good. They have started to bother me now too the way they go on in real life, they never break character which stops being funny very fast and just makes them look like total cunts. Even meeting them in person was strange. Tim Heidecker was very friendly and talkative and Eric Wareheim was rather blunt and rude, but according to my friend, the night before, their roles were reversed. They're a strange duo and that should be taken into consideration when watching this film but with how clever and sly their jokes are on the tv show and the small elements of realism in advertising really stupid products, this was just stupid and tried too hard to be gross and silly. Watching this again was a real eye opener, I'm glad I did but also pissed off I had to sit through that shite.
13. The Campaign
This one could be considered as a bad one to have in my Worst list by some, but it really didn't deliver at all, I was expecting plenty of dumb laughs but even they were TOO dumb and not funny. Two fools running for congress in North Carolina, one is Ferrell doing his typically loud, cheesy, stupid but refuses to accept he's stupid, character and Galifianakis playing the typically bat-shit crazy, weird, incredibly camp, Jesus freak. It's all under the control of two big CEOs who want to gain control of the state, played by two screen legends, Dan Aykroyd and John Lithgow. It comes off as a really poor man's Trading Places in a way, only not a shread as funny. The baby punching idea was shown in the trailer which took basically all humour out of it when it was shown in cinemas. I think comedies like Road Trip and Old School need to make a come back, basically Todd Philips without resorting to Hangover humour. They had a decent plot, a villain that they don't always befriend some how and the gross out jokes and scenes were done realistically and hilariously. None of this awkward, well-spoken bullshit, it's old and stale and doesn't work... Kinda like Eddie Murphy now...
12. Cosmopolis
11. Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning
This may very well be one of the most frustrating films to sit through, and with such an appeal, balls to the wall picture above, you should all be surprised it's in my worst of the year. Admittedly I was mainly intrigued cause it got an NC-17 for the violence alone (And one scene of vicious bumming) but it wasn't even that bad, just the MPAA getting their pussies in a knot as usual! The Red Band trailer for this promised an absolute bloody action fest, instead I got about 20 mins of fighting, stretched out to 2 hours with the most nauseating slow motion ever on film. Every single fight was in slow motion, but not normal slow motion, or stylistic slow motion that was a tad overused but still class, like in Sherlock Holmes, this was just speeding up and slowing down a really cruddy series of fights, most of which looked like Van Damme was on his way out from a bust hip. After his family is murdered, an ex super-soldier is reawakened to hunt down the men that killed them, they happen to be two rogue super-soldiers who are building an army of super-soldiers... fuck off. The likable, Scott Adkins was boring as FUCK in this too, his English accent sounded so put on and fake, despite being from England! There are some very cool bits though in the fight scenes, when it's one shot of someone getting their head smashed through a sink or something, but they're few and far between a slow motion pile of shit. Also very similar strobe effects over eerie tones, basically trying to do a half assed, really stupid, Gaspar Noe effect, it just pissed me off. Despite having the recipe for gold, Van Damme, Scott Adkins, Dolph Lundgren, an NC-17 and the guarantee of insane violence, it doesn't deliver at all. In short, this film can absolutely fuck itself.
10. Excision
9. V/H/S
8. Ted
And the award for biggest most over rated pile of absolute (Bear) shit, goes to...Ted! The first and unfortunately not last, live action film from "used to be funny", Family Guy creator, Seth Macfarlane. This follows the story of Ted, a cute, cuddly, badly computer generated, voiced by Macfarlane himself, foul mouthed little shit of a teddy bear! Hence the name, Ted! Thanks to a magical wish from a little boy, his big teddy bear has come to life! And is his best friend... Jump 20 or so years later, and you have the two lads living their lives now, the little boy grew up to be Mark Wahlberg while Ted just happened to develop a really badly portrayed Boston accent and a potty mouth, that is fucking very stupidly fucking over-fucking-used in the most fucking un-fucking-funny way fucking possible. When a kidnapper is on the hunt for Ted while he is on the hunt for a job, Marky Mark decides he needs to grow up and get on with his life with his fiancee. Really, really clutching at straws to get laughs, ridiculous pop-culture references and Seth Macfarlane completely selling out to make a cheap, brainless "Comedy" that would literally only make kids, stupid teenagers and Adam Sandler's friends laugh. What's frightening is, is that people seem to adore this film, calling it the comedy of the year and "Funniest Film Since The Hangover!" Failing to realise that the Hangover is not the only comedy film ever made and certainly not the funniest! This is the most ultra mainstream piece of shit comedy you could imagine. And in case some of you are about to make hipster accusations for bashing the mainstream, do realise that mainstream movies can be excellent! The Dark Knight trilogy for example! Anyway, Seth needs to stick to his cartoons, but should make adjustments to make them funny like they used to be... no more 10 minute songs and character changes, look back and your old episodes and see your mistakes! He may also see the irony throughout Ted afterwards too, considering he does everything he is against in that film...
7. Bad Ass
This is definitely the kind of film that should be over the top, stupid, violent and fun... but sadly it was just stupid and over the top. Based on a viral video of a war veteran in his 60's, known to the world as Epic Beard Man, who after what started as a friendly conversation with a young black guy, got accused of racism and then punched by the him and being a big fucking brick shit-house war veteran, he was having none of it and battered him for doing so. Racial accusations began to fly and how it was a hate crime and all sorts of bullshit that Americans like to make up as usual. This however, was SO pc, that rather than having it stick to the actual events, they changed it to two white skinheads, bothering a lonely, old, Morgan Freeman looking black man on the bus, when the big bad, now Mexican, Danny Trejo looking (Cause they actually fucking used him...) veteran steps in and batters them, making him the anti-racist super hero. Cause remember kids, in America, if you beat up someone from a different race, it's racist, no matter what! Anyway, after that he becomes a super star, doing TV interviews and all sorts of shit, but wants to just get on with his life, hanging out with his pet dog and friendly old Morgan Freeman part 2, not the guy from the bus, but another friendly old black man, again to be taken down by ruthless criminals. He's rather upset about this, as you can imagine... He falls in love with his domestically abused neighbour and begins to bond with her son. He gets himself into more mischief with the leader of a gang and a corrupt mayor and is forced to try and take them all down! I've had bowel movements more engaging than this drivel. I only really watched it because it was short and had the potential to be entertaining and violent. It was neither, it was 18 in the UK for whatever reason, it couldn't have been violence, the one scene of violence looked as real as Katie Price's tits. The film was SO cheap in fact, that it pulled scenes from the Arnie classic, Red Heat, because it didn't have the budget to facilitate the scenes. Fucking geeholes...
6. [.REC] 3: Genesis
After modern horror masterpiece, [.REC] and the excellent (but not as good) sequel [.REC] 2, Genesis promised me another fantastic horror movie, and it fucking lied to me. I don't know what they were thinking. It was like an insult to the first two. Not only did they drop the found footage style for a traditional normal shooting style, but they made it into what was basically a fucking slapstick comedy. Eliminating EVERY bit of charm from it. The originals were both extremely intense and edge of your seat horrors, this was basically a spoof comedy. it was an insult to the first two (I even preferred Quarantine to this, and that was SHIT). It follows a couple on their big wedding day in Spain, shot from two different points of view. One camera man is a professional, using a cinema quality camera on a steadicam, so it looks less found footage, the other was a dickhead doing the traditional camcorder. About 15 minutes in, both of these styles a dropped and it's just filmed like a regular film for the whole thing, including music (Most of it silly) and over the stop stupid zombie kills that just made me cringe with embarrassment. One of the worst things they did over all was having the reflection of a person in the mirror as a demon, it doesn't make sense... it's not fucking Vampire film... I believe there's a 4 and 5 on the way too, they will no doubt be absolutely terrible. The first two films had two directors both working on them, Paco Plaza & Jaume Balagueró. once Jaume left, it all went down hill seemingly, so I've decided that I think Paco is a cunt and a half. Jaume however, is releasing a tense thriller called Sleep Tight, so there's something to look forward to! He seems to be the one with a lick of sense. Avoid Genesis at all costs... but aside from their music, avoid this film too.
5. The Man With The Iron Fists
This one is kind of an obvious choice to be in here, I think most people, including myself, knew that this would be shit, but fucking hell, I didn't think it would be THIS shit. With Tarantino presenting (At this stage I think he presents these films without actually watching them) And RZA of Wu-Tang both writing and directing, I thought I was in for something that would at least be entertaining... I was very, very wrong. The rats in the sewers have written better scripts on the pipes with my washed up shit as ink. "Bring Da Ruckus" plays a blacksmith who has the not at all cliched character name of "Blacksmith", almost as "student movie" as the name "Man". He's quiet and keeps to himself until one day, his arms are cut off and replaced with Iron Fists that his Wu-Tang Ener... I mean "Shaolin Monk" Energy can control. "Gravel Pit" and the bad guy from Die Another Day, whose father was murdered, both go to get their revenge, with the help of professional Australian street fighter, Russell Crowe, who goes by a pun, Jack Knife with his special weapon, a knife. But no ordinary knife... the kind of knife you would see on a late night cooking channel that can do everything... it's fucking ridiculous looking. A few Tarantino cast members turn up too, probably why he threw his name on it, Jackie Browne is "Protect Ya Neck"'s whore mother, Lucy Liu as Lucy Liu and Pai Mei is wandering around there somewhere, wrecking heads. On top of all this, many warriors and assassins and Russell Crowe are hunting for a golden fortune! Smell that? Smells like a shit movie to me! Considering RZA has a great respect for martial arts and samurai culture, I thought he might have actually tried doing something good with this! Instead he shit all over the whole thing and made what you could call, a comedy of Meet The Spartans, standard. PISHHHHH! It's riddled with terrible CGI and there was nothing at all special about it's filming techniques, it's like they just had someone standing there with a camera catching all of this bollocks. Allegedly the original cut was FOUR HOURS LONG! I don't think anyone could get through that without opening their heads with a sawn-off. There was also rap music playing over the movie, rap music that didn't fit at all. I love my rap music and everything but there's a time and a place and it wasn't fucking here!
4. Savages
Wow... this was a mind blowing movie, in all of the worst ways you can imagine. Advertised cleverly as a movie that would be as insane, perhaps more so, than Oliver "Should Quit" Stone's previous masterpiece, Natural Born Killers. With a statement like that, how could you NOT want to see this??? Make sure you keep reading cause if you left to watch this after reading that, you'll be just as disappointed as I was... I see now my reviews got significantly longer so going to shorten them down a bit. This follows two totally rad gnarly surfer stoner duuuudes. Or as I like to call them, two cunts, played by Kick-Ass and John Carter. They both share a spastic girlfriend named O, played by Blake (Un)Lively. Presumably she is called this due to her narration which makes you, for the entirety of the film shout "O-h shut the fuck up!" at your tv. She gets kidnapped because she's a stupid sap, but also because the two dyeeoudes who she's being fingertrapped with, are the top medical marijuana salesmen in all of Malibu, far out. So Benicio Del Toro (The only good bit of the film) has them kidnapped for Salma Hayek... an utterly unconvincing Cartel leader. So the two dickheads need to try save their idiot, trouble making, shoulda been cut up and fed to the dogs, girlfriend. Benicio wins this movie simply because he's absolutely fucking hilarious in it, the biggest sleazy nacker in the world, it's brilliant. Sadly, his comedy gold can't save for the 2 hours and 20 mins of utter bollocks that must also be endured. Everything was done so badly (Besides 1 or 2 blood packs and a car explosion), especially the fucking , Windows Movie Maker special effects on Oliver Stones fat cameo dancing about the place. For some reason, O and Salma become friends briefly, which was one of the most infuriating things in the world to watch. John Travolta played a cop/friend of the two cowabunga dudes, and was absolutely piss in it too. He looked like a hairy mandarin. A total cop out of a movie, buy a copy, piss on it, bring it back, buy Natural Born Killers instead and enjoy your night.
3. ATM
I'm going to be honest, I don't remember much about this movie, mainly because it was such a forgettable piece of horse cum. But from what I do remember, three dickheads are on their way home from a Christmas Party in an office, when one of them (The only one worth mentioning because nobody knows the others) Josh Peck, decides to go to the stupidest ATM in the world. A big glass box in the middle of a car park. Basically begging to be robbed. His two sap friends decide to follow him and just as they decide to leave, a hooded lunatic known only as "The Man" (Worst writing ever, they should kill themselves) is lurking outside waiting for them, armed with a heafty tire iron. When trying to get back to their car, the hooded sap attacks them, and the retreat to the ATM where they remain trapped. Anyone who comes by to help them is far too easily killed by the man. I had such little care for what happened to the people in this movie, I was just waiting for them to just die already. Absolute bullshit... I watched this entire movie stone faced, not scared or laughing. It had no impact what so ever and I feel I was robbed of about 90 mins. I want that director to email me my minutes back, post haste. I genuinely don't even know what to say about this muck... Besides the fact it's better than the next two movies coming up... Do yourself a favour and never watch this.
2. Lockout
I implore you all to watch the very first 15 minutes of this film, not that it's good, but because it's actually unbelievable how bad it is. Me and some friends got about 20 mins in before we needed to turn it off. I revisited it, reluctantly to give my review in full, but it doesn't change at all from how good the first 20 mins was... In this day and age, with special effects especially, you should expect something class looking, even in the low budget movies, it looks great. This was some of the worst special effects I have ever seen in my life... EVER. My friends and I literally thought it was going to be part of some futuristic simulation and then the real movie would begin... but alas no, we were stuck with this absolute smoking hot turd of a movie. It opens with some intensely unrealistic punches to Guy Pearce's face while trying to be Hank Moody and lighting a cigarette at the same time. He is being interrogated for murdering an agent and is being sent to a futuristic space prison... now with a set up like that, it should be great. I love Sci-fi movies, especially futuristic prison ones... so why was this so fucking pants? A psychologist is on board the vessel and is studying the mindsets of the prisoners, she is also conveniently the presidents daughter... when a disaster strikes, all of the prisoners are released from their suspended animation pods and begin to run amok in the ship! WHY ISN'T THIS MOVIE GOOD! AGH! The president decides to offer Pearce freedom (Easiest prison sentence ever) if he rescues his daughter from the filthy prisoners, one played by good ol' Woody from This is England. He may look mental, but he was shite in this... He actually looks like one of the guys from Prometheus, who funnily enough, played junkie with Woody in Harry Brown!... The more you know... Anyway, this was a mega pile of shit, terrible action scenes, not worthy enough of being mindless fun, and some truly brutal special effects. Thankfully another Sci-fi actioner came out in 2012, and it happened to be one of the best of the year, that absolute BEAUTY, was Dredd. However, this movie is like an Iraqi torture technique. They show it to prisoners to try get information, and they comply straight away so they don't have to endure anymore of this dog shit...
1. Act of Valor
Here it is folks, the worst movie of 2012 and would be certainly in the worst of the decade... maybe not number 1 though... I wouldn't even call this a movie, I'd call it intense Navy SEALS propaganda. Act of Valor or America: The Movie, follows a group of REAL Navy SEALS go into hostile territory to try recover a kidnapped CIA agent. How overwhelmingly original, lads. JOIN THE ARMY. The trailer promised some mindless action, but everything you see in the trailer, happens in about 15 - 20 mins of actual action. JOIN THE ARMY. The rest is talking about how good their country is, how everything is for their country and why America's da can beat up your da. JOIN THE ARMY. The acting and dialogue was embarrassing to watch, it was like the hilarious scene in Macgruber between himself and Chris Jerico, only it was played for real. I can't believe it was really happening... The action scenes were made to look like Call of Duty, as perhaps a way to reach out to friendless gamers who may want to do the real thing. JOIN THE ARMY. I have no problem spoiling this, but through out the film, one of the characters mentions leaving the army and being with his wife and kid and all, several times. I thought they were gonna actually leave him alive because they built it up so much that if he had died it would have been so cliched that the audience would also die... and ladies and gentlemen, it was. He dives onto a grenade and decides to make the movie worse. Well done, I'm glad you're dead, and I hope it hurt a lot. I would encourage all of you to watch everything on this list before this movie. It's REALLY that bad. And you can tell the fans of this movie have fucking crimson necks so that's more reasons to avoid this absolute pile of infectious rectal vomit.
Well, I hope you enjoyed my list! The others will be up in due course, along with plenty more reviews! Again, apologies for the hiatus and the cunting blogs not saving. Enjoy avoiding these movies! Watch Dredd instead...
Comments
Post a Comment